Archive for April, 2002
blah blah blah
Usually my breaks from journaling are simply because nothing noteworthy is going on, or because I am too upset to put whatever turn of events into words, but neither is the case this time. I have been go, go, go!
Friday, at the Rebels gig, I was distracted, not sure by what or whom, but I couldn't even focus long enough to enjoy the music (which I usually do, immensely). Was it the pouring rain? The summer like air? Was I still in “work mode”? Pissed/annoyed at/with Boyfriend? *shrugs* Whatever it was kept me from having a good time. Although, I muchly enjoyed the Sloe Gin Rickies! The crowd that followed us home for an impromptu party grated on my nerves. So many people we didn't even know just rudely invited themselves along and some of them even had the gall to crash on the couch overnight! asdfghjkl! And the ever present tension between Creep and I was so thick it could be cut with the proverbial knife. There was even an uncomfortable moment with another individual [who shall remain nameless] leaning in as if to kiss me… eeeek!
I did hear a lot of wonderful things from the band guys about how Boyfriend talks about me all the time, perks right up whenever my name is mentioned, that I'm good for him, and that they've never seen him this happy before. Instinctively, I knew this, but it was really nice to hear- especially from an impartial source.
I slept most of Saturday to prepare myself for Punk Rock Night. One of the Rebels also plays in The Giggies, and I promised to pay my respects by coming to see the band. it was the Pizzle 10 yr anniversary show, and most all the former members were present. There was no mention of Lumpy, however, which indicates he left on bad terms, but I've never heard the “official” story. :( I sustained a pit injury. A heavy table was knocked over onto my foot. I stood in a mess of shattered glass, sure that my toe was either split in two or broken. I am bruised and swollen, but otherwise lucky. Sunday I spent quality time with Boyfriend, but found myself irritated with his chain smoking and drinking. Monday was a typical work day, but I had lunch with an old friend and ordered a fantastic greek salad with a Genova pizza that had eggplant, mushrooms, and red pepper. At the moment I'm snacking on crab rangoons and enjoying the warm weather on my break. Like you give two shits about any of this, heh ;)
4:20 & 80 degrees
Great screaming christ it is a beautiful day! It makes me want to spend all my money, engage in copious amounts of drinking, fuck all night, smoke crack, eat a pound of chocolate, take a bath in milk, sleep for 16 hours, bleach my head and dye my hair red. I will, of course, not be doing any of these things… er, at least not tonite ;)
Seriously though, I had a delicious lunch and dined al fresco. It is slow at the office (odd since people usually go apt hunting on “perfect” days like this) and I've had more than my share of fun online today.
Good times are in store tomorrow. The Rastabilly Rebels are playing happy hour at the Melody Inn again… hip, hip hooray! Hurry Friday, hurry!
Two years ago today I killed a baby.
Does that sound harsh? Final? Clinical? Perhaps that's my way of dealing with it. Children were not [are not] part of my future plans. There was never any doubt in my mind as to what I wanted to do. I do not regret my decision (nor do I believe I am hellbound for it lol). Yet, sometimes, usually on or around this particular date, I am wistful (but not necessarily sad) about what could have been…
The Weight of the World
I definitely don't mean to bitch moan and whine about how terrible my sex life is (because honestly it is not “bad” at all), but that's exactly what this entry will sound like. Consider yourself warned ;)
Now don't get me wrong, we still have sex- a lot of sex, great sex even, but [there's always a but eh?] lately when we finally have garnered the time to really dedicate to ravishing eachothers bodies full tilt… (you know 999 positions in a night) well, we're both just too tired. We get to the point where we can hardly keep our eyes open and are practically dozing off the moment we get in bed (although still obviously quite turned on- I need not get graphic, surely you can imagine, and holding eachother tightly). We are likely to sleep thru the night too without waking one another up for a brief romp. Likewise, we sleep in til the last possible moment out of complete exhaustion and have no morning quickie either.
This is not a case of the attraction or lust leveling off as we're more comfortable in our relationship and with eachother, nor are either of us “seeing someone else on the sly”. It is moreso stress and the related lack of time and energy. Sometimes, I worry that this will make me in particular stray, but even when the temptation is present I know I won't “follow thru” completely. *shakes head* I just can't do it. I think we both need to take a vacation together- no interruptions, just the two of us, so we can “relax.”
Go down to the burning pit!
Not too terribly long ago I was afraid I had an ulcer. Often times, there was burning sensation in my stomach and nausea, though I never actually ralphed. I ruled out pregnancy. Not wanting to see a doctor, I cut back on coffee, ate 3 regular meals a day (instead of just one large lunch only), drank less booze, and limited my greasy food intake. I felt better. I thought the problem was solved with a few lifestyle changes.
Tuesday night it all began again, and it's back with a vengence! I mistakenly chalked it up to the chicken wings and fried mushrooms I indulged in. Shame on me! My belly was on fucking fire! I couldn't sleep, I could hardly move. I considered trying to make myself get sick. Nah. Instead, I sipped some 7up or Sprite and that took the edge off of it just enough for me to be able to fall asleep. I woke in the night with my tummy burning more, and had 2 tall glasses of water before being able to doze again. The next morning, I felt almost completely better. No burning pit, but a touch of nausea. I had breakfast… milk to coat thing and cereal. I still felt ok. After lunch, the pain returned- stronger than the night before. I was nearly doubled over from it and could hardly move. I got some liquid and chewable antacids. 5 chewables and 4 tablespoons later, the aching lessened slightly, but was still present. That evening I drank a GLASS of liquid antacid and felt like I could function. I played online, checknigemail, updating my cam etc. I gulped more 7up or Sprite and tried to distract myself from my throbbing sizzling tummy. Just before bed, I crunched on 3 more antacids and drifted off. This morning I felt alright. I opted not to have any breakfast, lest I spoil my recovery. At lunchtime, I went easy on myself and had an absoltely delicious avacado/sprout/egg/tomato/cream cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread with a side of cottage cheese to coat my stomach. A few hours later I am still feeling fair. I am worried… worried that I'm underreacting, worried that I'm overreacting, worried that I'm worried, worried that I'm not worried enough… I'm afraid to eat and afraid NOT to eat. Ugh!
Still in recovery
After what wasn't necessarily a long weekend, but taxing nonetheless, I called in sick to work yesterday for a much needed rest. It was nice to run into old friends at an old hangout Friday, but I drank entirely too much and had to face a full day of snotty teenagers and snippy clerks while mall shopping the next morning. *sniffs* Is that distain I smell?! Boyfriend's gig Saturday proved to be interesting, however, with the new “junk artist” friend turning up with an equally intriguing batch of guests. I'm told I have “nice skin” and that I look Native American/Indian. Hmmm. Yes, again, too much drinking… tsk tsk. The evening also marked a bit of re-discovery for me… the fellas in Rastabilly Rebels are some of the most wonderful men I've ever met- kind, witty, and gorgeous. While they aren't necessarily turning heads on the street, when they are in their element [playing] they ooze sensuality from every pore… Boyfriend included in that ;) Randy Creep is my equivalent of a modern day Jim Morrison, and Bruce Stuckey… mmmm… the perfect mix of over the top glam trash and down to earth class. *le sigh* I had a good time, can you tell? ;) So good that Sunday I was exhausted and I slept most of the day away. By the time Monday morning rolled around I still felt as if I hadn't slept at all! Iiiieeee!
Today I feel a tad more alert, so here I sit typing away on my lunch hour (with a yummy foccacia sandwich). It is beautiful… 65 and breezy with frequent bursts of sunshine. I feel like I want to be a little girl again…