(musical genre how-to's - author unknown)
Pop-”Punk”
Artists: Sum41, Blink182, et. al.
For poppy punk, basically you're gonna wanna write whinyish lyrics, about everything from girls to how life isn't fair. Avoid making your songs TOO deep, as your target audiance won't understand them.
Hardcore/Old School Punk
Artists: Black Flag, Rollins Band, The Clash
For Hardcore punk, take a group, it doesn't matter what kind, religious, military, political, etc. and proceed to bash their living brains out. Be sure to be sarcastic, and cynical.
Grunge
Artists: Nirvana, Bush, Mudhoney, Veruca Salt, etc. etc.
For grunge, use self-loathing lyrics, about how much of a burden on society/girls/everyone you are. Use a basic chord progression of (for example) F5, C5, D5, Bb5 and transpose the chords up or down.
Emo(tional Hardcore)
Artists: Weezer, Jimmy Eat World, Talking Heads
For Emo, either write pissy, woe-is-me lyrics about how girls don't like you, or emotional songs about other subjects. Be sure to use intelligent lyrics and structuring. Basically, buy some Buddy Holly-esque glasses, and write some teary-eyed, bleeding-heart song about whatever subject you feel strongly about (usually girls).
Gangsta/Post-1994 Rap
Artists: Too damn many to mention.
Your song MUST contain:
1: Money
2: Drugs/alcohol
3: Biztches/ho's
4: Referances to the Hood
5: Words that cause half of your song to be bleeped/dead aired.
Old-School/Pre-1994 Rap
Artists: KRS-One, Fresh Prince, MC Hammer
God, just… just write about anything… it doesn't matter. Write a rap about buying some new sneakers… or ordering pizza. Go easy on the profanity, but take no prisoners with the Tongue-In-Cheekitude.
Hair Metal
Artists: Winger, Ratt, Nelson, Great White
Basically, you'll need to write ONE fast song, and ONE power ballad. Both must be about girls.
Funk-Metal:
Artists: Old Red Hot Chili Peppers, Faith No More, Incubus
Take Metal Riffs, and add Pre-1994 Rap over it. I.E. Take Pantera and rap over the riffs about buying some socks.
RapCore
Artists: Limp Bizkit, Dope, etc.
Take Metal Riffs and add Post-1994 Rap over it. I.E. Take Pantera and rap over the riffs about “how you be bling blingin' dem fine ho's”
Nu-Metal
Artists: Korn, System of a Down, Papa Roach, Disturbed
Take your average guitar, and tune it to Drop-A or something ridiculous where your E-String is just dangling there, limp. Next, play approx. 4 powerchords/song. Write your songs about how “LIFE'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, YO!”. Wear Adidas. Whine about your dad cornholing you for 5 straight albums (only applies to Korn). Try to be RATM, and fail (only applies to SOAD). There MUST be a MINIMUM of 30 seconds of Rap in each song.
Nu-Grunge
Artists: Puddle of Mudd, Nickleback
Write songs about Nu-metal-esque material, while failing to realize grunge is very, VERY dead.
New-Wave
Artists: Depeche Mode, Culture Club, A Flock Of Seagulls
Use LOTS of synth, and write minimalistic songs, subject independant. Requires some vocal talent, a lot of keyboard talent, and a ton of hairspray.
Brit-Pop
Artists: Oasis, Blur, Robbie Williams
Basically take a “rockstar”, stuck up attitude, and proceed to write songs using said attitude. It also helps to be British.
Pop-Rock
Artists: Goo Goo Dolls, Lifehouse, The Calling
Love ballads with some low-key rock sensibility thrown in for good measure. The songs can be sappy (The Calling), or decently constructed songs (Goo Goo Dolls). Basically, your “bread-and-Butter” TRL band.
Teen-Pop
Artists: Britney Spears, etc.
Write songs dealing with issues that no one over the age of 12 can relate to, and then realize how ironic it is that it's called “TEEN Pop”. Sing with decent ability over Hip-Hop-esque Drum/Bass.
Heavy Metal
Artists: Metallica, Megadeth, Iron Maiden
Hire a good lead player; you'll need him. Then, aquire a bible, open it up to the book of Revelations, and proceed to write songs based on what you read. The Old Testement is good for this, too, what with all the “Thou shalt be stricken down” mantra therein.
Thrash-Metal
Artists: Pantera, Anthrax
Basically Heavy Metal, but with Machoistic, Testosterone injected lyrics.
“Dark” Nu-Metal
Artists: Slipknot, Mushroomhead, et. al.
Write songs about how fucking evil you are. Tune your low-E string down to Drop-DROP-D (pass D the first time, and keep going!) and make music that basically sounds like semi-ordered static. Try to be Goth, but Fail… miserably. Write lyrics that all the depressed 13 year olds of the world will flock to.
Gothic
Artists: The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus
Write mainly love songs, with a few “rock”ish songs thrown in. Usually played in Minor-Key.
Psychedelic
Artists: Pink Floyd, Rush, King Crimson
Take as many hits of acid as it takes to produce Richard Nixon sitting beside you, wearing a rainbow colored dress. Proceed to write down what he tells you.
Glam
Artists: David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, Culture Club
Either write Left-wing political nonsense (manson), poppy-new-wave music (Culture Club), or just follow the rules of Psychedelic (Bowie; see above). Blur the lines of Gender by appearing either feminine, or androgenous. Songs can reflect this blurring.
Gangsta Rap
Artists: Tupac, etc.
Write down a list of people you want to “cap”. Recite said list to music.
Folk
Artists: Bob Dylan, John Denver, etc.
Write grass-roots lyrics, and accompany yourself on accoustic guitar.
Political Rock
Artists: CCR, RATM, The Clash, etc.
Basically, pick random articles from a USA Today, and write either Pro or Con songs about them. Not actually understanding the issues is a plus.
Space Rock/Pseudo-Grunge
Artists: Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth, My Bloody Valentine
Write semi-depressing lyrics, and pair them with droning music. Lyrics should be delivered in a semi-deadpan style.
Noise-Rock/Experimental
Artists: Mr. Bungle, Butthole Surfers, Me.
Throw a microphone into a blender, and record the sounds that come out. Make the sounds the opening riff of your song. Next, sample your cat puking, and a telephone ringing. Use THAT as your chorus. Finally, record a door slamming, an airplane taking off, and a Rocky And Bullwinkle cartoon, and use that sample for your verses. Have your drummer/bassist play along with the song you've made. Steal some Laughing Gas. Inhale said gas, while having your drummer hold you up, and the bass player write down what you say. Those're your lyrics. Record yourself singing them in Russian, then play them backwards, and BAM! Instant Song.
Indie-Rock
Artists: Pixies, Guster, etc.
Generally, you're gonna want to write about whatever suits your fancy… but MAKE IT NON-COMMERCIAL, YOU BLOCK HEAD!
More than 6 people showing up at your gig? SELLOUT!
Song got radio play? CORPORATE WHORE!
You must adopt an Indier-than-Thou attitude and milk the undergroud for all it's worth.
Lo-Fi
Artists: Pavement, Ween, Guided by voices
First, get a band. Got one? Alright, good. Step two.
Next, put 3 pairs of socks over your microphone. Note, I said PAIRS, not just individual socks.
The microphone should be bought at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, etc. for under 10 dollars.
Next, put rubber cement over your guitarist's and bass player's pickups/humbuckers.
Now you're ready to record! Take your microphone, and plug it into your computer, and open up Sound Recorder. Proceed to record your song, and when done, save it at 22Khz, at 32kbps.
Burn on to CD and welcome to Lo-Fidom.
Cowpunk
Artists: Mojo Nixon, The Beat Farmers
Take a southern music style, mix it with a New York Music style, and record it by Californians. And viola, mass confusion!
Rockabilly
Artists: Elvis Presley, Bill Haley, Buddy Holly, 5 Chinese Brothers
Get a guitar, a pompadeur hair cut, and a time machine, and set the dial for 1950! In this golden year, white musicians are all over the air waves, playing black music, and getting credit for inventing it! Some things never change.
Comedy:
Artists: Adam Sandler, Tenacious D, Anal Cunt, etc.
Anyone can be a funny man! All you have to do is find a gimmick, like Mr. Adam Sandler did. All you have to do “ish talk like thiish. shoopity doopity. mistah happy shoooe fashe man buysh a pie!” If that doesn't work, you can always make a CD, of which half of it is talking, and the other half is some kind of sad, bastardized Prog. Rock/Metal… stuff. Just remember, that this is NOT the greatest genre in the world. This has been a tribute.
Ambient
Artists: Aphex Twin, Orbital, Air
Easily the easist genre in music! Go buy a 10 dollar keyboard and record yourself playing an E chord with a strings effect.
Dark Ambient
Artists: Meat Beat Manifesto, Reload
Same as above, but play E MINOR! Ooooh… spooky stuff.
Jangle Pop
Artists: REM
Take a Byrds karaoke file from the 1960's, and record yourself singing about rivers, and Honda Civics, and pliers. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make NO SENSE at all in your lyrics.
Funk
Artists: George Clinton, Bootsy Collins
It's like Rap music, only with REAL instruments. Oh, and also no rapping. Be sure to name your song “Groove Train”, “Booty Wagon” or ” Ultragrooveloseyourshitalisticdownbeatpimpin'booya
”
Wear clothes that will make people think that you got kicked in the head by a horse, or that your mother got kicked in the abdomen while pregnant.
If Black, reinforce negative black stereotypes.
If white, ” ” ” “.
Death Metal
Artists: Deicide, Canibal Corpse, Six Feet Under
Write silly, over the top lyrics about how God is shit, but don't REALIZE that they're silly and over the top. No, no. You're a tortured artist, and have been ever since your family made you go to your Grandmother's Funeral instead of letting you play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater.
Jam Rock
Artists: Phish, Dave Matthews Band
Write your own material, record your own material, but when it comes time to play it live, break into a 90 minutes rendition of Uncle John's Band.
Southern Rock
Artists: Molly Hatchet, 38 Special, Georgia Satelites
Write country-meets-rock songs that do nothing to remove the thought that all Southerners are slack jawed, Tabbaco chewing rubes.
Mullets a plus, as are cowboy hats and spandex.
