a laugh in the darkness

(musical genre how-to's – author unknown)

Pop-”Punk”
Artists: Sum41, Blink182, et. al.

For poppy punk, basically you're gonna wanna write whinyish lyrics, about everything from girls to how life isn't fair. Avoid making your songs TOO deep, as your target audiance won't understand them.

Hardcore/Old School Punk
Artists: Black Flag, Rollins Band, The Clash

For Hardcore punk, take a group, it doesn't matter what kind, religious, military, political, etc. and proceed to bash their living brains out. Be sure to be sarcastic, and cynical.

Grunge
Artists: Nirvana, Bush, Mudhoney, Veruca Salt, etc. etc.

For grunge, use self-loathing lyrics, about how much of a burden on society/girls/everyone you are. Use a basic chord progression of (for example) F5, C5, D5, Bb5 and transpose the chords up or down.

Emo(tional Hardcore)
Artists: Weezer, Jimmy Eat World, Talking Heads

For Emo, either write pissy, woe-is-me lyrics about how girls don't like you, or emotional songs about other subjects. Be sure to use intelligent lyrics and structuring. Basically, buy some Buddy Holly-esque glasses, and write some teary-eyed, bleeding-heart song about whatever subject you feel strongly about (usually girls).

Gangsta/Post-1994 Rap
Artists: Too damn many to mention.

Your song MUST contain:

1: Money
2: Drugs/alcohol
3: Biztches/ho's
4: Referances to the Hood
5: Words that cause half of your song to be bleeped/dead aired.

Old-School/Pre-1994 Rap
Artists: KRS-One, Fresh Prince, MC Hammer

God, just… just write about anything… it doesn't matter. Write a rap about buying some new sneakers… or ordering pizza. Go easy on the profanity, but take no prisoners with the Tongue-In-Cheekitude.

Hair Metal
Artists: Winger, Ratt, Nelson, Great White

Basically, you'll need to write ONE fast song, and ONE power ballad. Both must be about girls.

Funk-Metal:
Artists: Old Red Hot Chili Peppers, Faith No More, Incubus

Take Metal Riffs, and add Pre-1994 Rap over it. I.E. Take Pantera and rap over the riffs about buying some socks.

RapCore
Artists: Limp Bizkit, Dope, etc.

Take Metal Riffs and add Post-1994 Rap over it. I.E. Take Pantera and rap over the riffs about “how you be bling blingin' dem fine ho's”

Nu-Metal
Artists: Korn, System of a Down, Papa Roach, Disturbed

Take your average guitar, and tune it to Drop-A or something ridiculous where your E-String is just dangling there, limp. Next, play approx. 4 powerchords/song. Write your songs about how “LIFE'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, YO!”. Wear Adidas. Whine about your dad cornholing you for 5 straight albums (only applies to Korn). Try to be RATM, and fail (only applies to SOAD). There MUST be a MINIMUM of 30 seconds of Rap in each song.

Nu-Grunge
Artists: Puddle of Mudd, Nickleback

Write songs about Nu-metal-esque material, while failing to realize grunge is very, VERY dead.

New-Wave
Artists: Depeche Mode, Culture Club, A Flock Of Seagulls

Use LOTS of synth, and write minimalistic songs, subject independant. Requires some vocal talent, a lot of keyboard talent, and a ton of hairspray.

Brit-Pop
Artists: Oasis, Blur, Robbie Williams

Basically take a “rockstar”, stuck up attitude, and proceed to write songs using said attitude. It also helps to be British.

Pop-Rock
Artists: Goo Goo Dolls, Lifehouse, The Calling

Love ballads with some low-key rock sensibility thrown in for good measure. The songs can be sappy (The Calling), or decently constructed songs (Goo Goo Dolls). Basically, your “bread-and-Butter” TRL band.

Teen-Pop
Artists: Britney Spears, etc.

Write songs dealing with issues that no one over the age of 12 can relate to, and then realize how ironic it is that it's called “TEEN Pop”. Sing with decent ability over Hip-Hop-esque Drum/Bass.

Heavy Metal
Artists: Metallica, Megadeth, Iron Maiden

Hire a good lead player; you'll need him. Then, aquire a bible, open it up to the book of Revelations, and proceed to write songs based on what you read. The Old Testement is good for this, too, what with all the “Thou shalt be stricken down” mantra therein.

Thrash-Metal
Artists: Pantera, Anthrax

Basically Heavy Metal, but with Machoistic, Testosterone injected lyrics.

“Dark” Nu-Metal
Artists: Slipknot, Mushroomhead, et. al.

Write songs about how fucking evil you are. Tune your low-E string down to Drop-DROP-D (pass D the first time, and keep going!) and make music that basically sounds like semi-ordered static. Try to be Goth, but Fail… miserably. Write lyrics that all the depressed 13 year olds of the world will flock to.

Gothic
Artists: The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus

Write mainly love songs, with a few “rock”ish songs thrown in. Usually played in Minor-Key.

Psychedelic
Artists: Pink Floyd, Rush, King Crimson

Take as many hits of acid as it takes to produce Richard Nixon sitting beside you, wearing a rainbow colored dress. Proceed to write down what he tells you.

Glam
Artists: David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, Culture Club

Either write Left-wing political nonsense (manson), poppy-new-wave music (Culture Club), or just follow the rules of Psychedelic (Bowie; see above). Blur the lines of Gender by appearing either feminine, or androgenous. Songs can reflect this blurring.

Gangsta Rap
Artists: Tupac, etc.

Write down a list of people you want to “cap”. Recite said list to music.

Folk
Artists: Bob Dylan, John Denver, etc.

Write grass-roots lyrics, and accompany yourself on accoustic guitar.

Political Rock
Artists: CCR, RATM, The Clash, etc.

Basically, pick random articles from a USA Today, and write either Pro or Con songs about them. Not actually understanding the issues is a plus.

Space Rock/Pseudo-Grunge
Artists: Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth, My Bloody Valentine

Write semi-depressing lyrics, and pair them with droning music. Lyrics should be delivered in a semi-deadpan style.

Noise-Rock/Experimental
Artists: Mr. Bungle, Butthole Surfers, Me.

Throw a microphone into a blender, and record the sounds that come out. Make the sounds the opening riff of your song. Next, sample your cat puking, and a telephone ringing. Use THAT as your chorus. Finally, record a door slamming, an airplane taking off, and a Rocky And Bullwinkle cartoon, and use that sample for your verses. Have your drummer/bassist play along with the song you've made. Steal some Laughing Gas. Inhale said gas, while having your drummer hold you up, and the bass player write down what you say. Those're your lyrics. Record yourself singing them in Russian, then play them backwards, and BAM! Instant Song.

Indie-Rock
Artists: Pixies, Guster, etc.

Generally, you're gonna want to write about whatever suits your fancy… but MAKE IT NON-COMMERCIAL, YOU BLOCK HEAD!

More than 6 people showing up at your gig? SELLOUT!

Song got radio play? CORPORATE WHORE!

You must adopt an Indier-than-Thou attitude and milk the undergroud for all it's worth.

Lo-Fi
Artists: Pavement, Ween, Guided by voices

First, get a band. Got one? Alright, good. Step two.

Next, put 3 pairs of socks over your microphone. Note, I said PAIRS, not just individual socks.

The microphone should be bought at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, etc. for under 10 dollars.

Next, put rubber cement over your guitarist's and bass player's pickups/humbuckers.

Now you're ready to record! Take your microphone, and plug it into your computer, and open up Sound Recorder. Proceed to record your song, and when done, save it at 22Khz, at 32kbps.

Burn on to CD and welcome to Lo-Fidom.

Cowpunk
Artists: Mojo Nixon, The Beat Farmers

Take a southern music style, mix it with a New York Music style, and record it by Californians. And viola, mass confusion!

Rockabilly
Artists: Elvis Presley, Bill Haley, Buddy Holly, 5 Chinese Brothers

Get a guitar, a pompadeur hair cut, and a time machine, and set the dial for 1950! In this golden year, white musicians are all over the air waves, playing black music, and getting credit for inventing it! Some things never change.

Comedy:
Artists: Adam Sandler, Tenacious D, Anal Cunt, etc.

Anyone can be a funny man! All you have to do is find a gimmick, like Mr. Adam Sandler did. All you have to do “ish talk like thiish. shoopity doopity. mistah happy shoooe fashe man buysh a pie!” If that doesn't work, you can always make a CD, of which half of it is talking, and the other half is some kind of sad, bastardized Prog. Rock/Metal… stuff. Just remember, that this is NOT the greatest genre in the world. This has been a tribute.

Ambient
Artists: Aphex Twin, Orbital, Air

Easily the easist genre in music! Go buy a 10 dollar keyboard and record yourself playing an E chord with a strings effect.

Dark Ambient
Artists: Meat Beat Manifesto, Reload

Same as above, but play E MINOR! Ooooh… spooky stuff.

Jangle Pop
Artists: REM

Take a Byrds karaoke file from the 1960's, and record yourself singing about rivers, and Honda Civics, and pliers. IMPORTANT NOTE: Make NO SENSE at all in your lyrics.

Funk
Artists: George Clinton, Bootsy Collins

It's like Rap music, only with REAL instruments. Oh, and also no rapping. Be sure to name your song “Groove Train”, “Booty Wagon” or ” Ultragrooveloseyourshitalisticdownbeatpimpin'booya
”

Wear clothes that will make people think that you got kicked in the head by a horse, or that your mother got kicked in the abdomen while pregnant.

If Black, reinforce negative black stereotypes.
If white, ” ” ” “.

Death Metal
Artists: Deicide, Canibal Corpse, Six Feet Under

Write silly, over the top lyrics about how God is shit, but don't REALIZE that they're silly and over the top. No, no. You're a tortured artist, and have been ever since your family made you go to your Grandmother's Funeral instead of letting you play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater.

Jam Rock
Artists: Phish, Dave Matthews Band

Write your own material, record your own material, but when it comes time to play it live, break into a 90 minutes rendition of Uncle John's Band.

Southern Rock
Artists: Molly Hatchet, 38 Special, Georgia Satelites

Write country-meets-rock songs that do nothing to remove the thought that all Southerners are slack jawed, Tabbaco chewing rubes.

Mullets a plus, as are cowboy hats and spandex.

Wah!

Back from the Gastro Dr. He drew blood *sniffles* [yeah, it DID hurt... I'd never make a good junkie]. Do I actually have an ulcer? They aren't sure… I had all but 1 of the common indicators. The bloodwork will tell them for sure. In the meantime, I've been prescribed 300mg of Ranitidine a day with 2 refills. If my condition does not improve in a few days time (even before a week passes), I am to return asap. Althought my blood pressure and weight are just fine, They also suggested I have a routine physical sometime relatively soon since it's been more than 10 years (excluding the gyno visits), heh. I was in and out in less than an hour (not so sure I like the impersonal level of treatment, bleh), and I got away with paying only $25 for everything total. TGFA (thank gawd for anthem). I hope this stuff does the trick *gulps*

These Four Walls and A Burning Pit

Our office is moving today. The furniture is out, the other employees are gone. The rooms sound so hollow! For the most part, all that is left in our suite is a few essential items and ME. The phone company screwed up and the lines at the new place aren't ready yet, so here I sit with one computer, one phone, and one fax in an empty office. It's a little lonely and maybe slightly spooky. I don't WANT to move, as I've expressed before, since I'm only a 5 min bus ride or 20 min walk from my apt. From the new space I will have to shave 30 mins off my lunch hour because I will need to leave 30 mins earlier to catch a bus home. I'll be taking a total of 3 buses… one of which goes through an area I am entirely unfamiliar with, but it's the only choice if I want to arrive home before 7pm!
Today I also see a Gastro doc to find out if I have an ulcer. I have let the pain continue for over a month. Tsk, tsk. Pepcid AC, Zantac 75, Tagament, Mylanta, Tums, Pepto… all these help take the edge of the burning, but really don't significantly relieve the pain. The only thing that has helped me is pot, but I sure as hell don't want to walk around stoned all the time. Sometimes the pain is so bad I am doubled over or curled into a ball. Last weekend I had a low grade fever with it and was actually “ill” for the first time since this began. My tummy feels terrible empty and terrible full, so I am constantly trying to keep it's contents somewhere inbetween. My mouth tastes like a copper penny- yuk! I am glad I'm finally getting some help… I just want to stop hurting… but I am really apprehensive about it still.
I think I avoided seeing a doctor for so long because of what happened to my Grandmother years ago. Rarely do I speak of it, but it has stuck with me and instilled a fear and perhaps hatred of hospitals. She went in with a broken arm. They kept her overnight for observation. She died. I honestly believe they killed her in a round about way… by not keeping an eye on her like they are supposed to. I see hospitals as where they take people to die, not to get better. The woman at work who's now had breast cancer twice in the same spot (and many complications along with it)hasn't really helped my view of healthcare either :(
*grumbles* I hope to have something positive to report tomorrow in terms of my condition mentally and physically. Cross your fingers and wish for me to like the new workplace and for this fire in my stomach to cease permanently.

"Are you amplified to rock?!"

Tonite Guided By Voices is on the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn! *sets vcr for recording* Tomorrow their new release, Universal Truths & Cycles, hits stores. I gave it a listen here, and I am already hooked. You can bet your sweet bippy I will still be picking it up on my lunch hour and taking it home to treasure, swoon over, and ok, yes, obsess (I received an autographed poster from Bob this month as well!). Mmmm, how can anyone resist the drunken middle-aged, overweight, high kicking charm of Robert Pollard?!
Note To Self: Do not forget to buy enough tickets to drag others along to see the band at the Summer Stages event.

P-I-G, pig.

It seems as if cops are everywhere you don't want them to be, but when you actually NEED them, they take their sweet time getting there. No, I don't harbour the hate for them that a lot of my generation does, but I DO understand it completely (my dealings with them haven't been pleasant). I strongly disapprove of their abuse of power (i.e. turning on their lights/sirens so as to speed through a red light then switching them off again once they've made it across the intersection).
This post wasn't necessarily brought on by some run in with the police, but moreso because I saw an unmarked Escort squeal out of the neighborhood park to enforce his little speed trap setup and it annoyed me. I know, I know… “if you aren't doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about.”

Film At 11…

Today Ameritech/SBC employees were picketing… or protesting may be a more apt word choice (rioting is in the running as well, but just a tad too harsh). They lined the street in their company trucks, honking incessantly and blocking traffic. What the ordeal was over, I'm not entirely sure… perhaps something about layoffs or splitting the company into two sects. I didn't catch all of the news blurb so details are sketchy at the moment.
What didn't make any broadcast [yet] was the group in front of the courthouse with signs reading such lovely sentiments as “God Hates Fags!” I have no idea what this is all about. I only heard what was going down because the criminal researcher for our office called and told us about the disturbance she'd seen first hand.

Quoteworthy

“Integrity has no need for rules.” – Albert Camus

It's a dead day at the office, so ENJOY…

physical appearance:
1. what do you most like about your body? lips, eyes, little boobs, pale skin
2. and least? my girly pooch. i dont need it. i have no intention of carrying a kid in there!
3. how many fillings do you have? 1, but i have 2 crowns
4. do you think you're good looking? not hideous, but not hot
5. do other people often tell you that you're good-looking? it really depends on who it is and where i am. i don't look like everyone else which can be good AND bad.
6. do you look like any celebrities? i've been compared to old school joan jett, fairuza balk, bjork, marissa tormei, souxsie, famke jansen(sp?), bettie page, jennifer tilly, and milla jovovich(sp?. i don't really see any of them.

fashion:
1. do you wear a watch? very rarely
2. how many coats and jackets do you own? i'm not sure, but i do see them as more of an accessory than a necessity
3. favorite pants/skirt color? animal print, black or dark jeans
4. most expensive item of clothing? i've splurged on a few dresses, boots, and coats
5. what kind of shoes do you wear? i like knee high boots, mary janes, creepers, and wedges/platforms. i don't think i own a pair of sneakers.

your friends:
1. do your friends 'know' you? online? not as well as they would assume. offline? no.
2. what do they tend to be like? aquaintances
3. are there traits in you that are universally liked? i would guess that it's my kindness and objectivity
4. how many people do you tell everything to online and offline? i don't share as much of myself as one might think.
5. how many people tell you everything? one of my all time favourite teachers said there are 3 sides to every story: yours, theirs, and everyone elses. maybe i am the suspicious sort, but more likely i am just cynical.

love:
1. have you ever loved a person so much that it hurt? yes. it has to. take the good with the bad or not at all.
2. how many people do you say 'i love you' to on a daily basis? 1
3. have you ever cheated on your significant other? no. although there have probably been a few improprieties, i havent cheated.
4. if not, would you ever if given the chance with the guy/girl of your dreams? i think i have him already, but it would be better to break things off before being being with anyone else, imo

music/tv/film/books:
1. favorite artist/band ever? guided by voices, bad religion, face to face, sleater kinney, tori amos, gg allin, skrewdriver, eddie cochra, subsonics (i've got to be leaving out a few here)
2. most listened to artist/bands: i don't think i've gone a day without listening to gbv
3. do you find any musicians good-looking? i've got a thing for greg graffin and robert pollard but that's mor eabout their minds
4. can you play an instrument? clarinet, some geetar, very little bass
5. types of music most listened to? rockabilly/doowop, punk, indie
6. types never listened to? i dont dig much modern music… especially not hip hop or new country
7. favorite book? anything by ayn rand or rita mae brown

underwear:
1. ladies, do you like to wear thongs? sometimes… they make me feel kinky lol
2. guys, boxers or briefs? (i like them in boxer-briefs, hows that?)
3. what is the nicest color for underwear? black, red
4. do you find it uncomfortable without a bra? no, just the opposite
5. do you make it a habit of showing people your underwear? on cam, sure. otherwise, not really.

religion:
1. do you detest religion? somewhat.
2. how do you think this universe was formed (explain in detail)? i'm torn on this and really not in a position to answer, atm.
3. if you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant? it depends how they carry themselves
4. if you were in a hostage situation, and you were given a choice to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose? they'd probably have offed me for my mouthiness long before this point, but if the demon were a deity of sorts, sure. if i dont bbelieve in it my words mean nothing. if it were a country or their leader, i'm doomed.
homosexuality:
1. what is the first thing you think when you see two gay/lesbian people holding hands? pleased/adoration
2. do you detest homesexuality? no
3. do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? as sappy as it sounds, i believe all a “home” really needs is love.
general questions:
1. who do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment? leonard piekoff(sp?), colin powell, ralph nader, harry browne
2. what do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day? sunny day but thunderstormy night
3. do you consider yourself lucky? ultimately things have a way of working out for me…
4. do you feel pity for people who commit suicide? yes, as well as a bit of anger
5. choose one word to describe how you feel most often: veiled

What ever happened to…

this girl (Nanette of Amplified To Rock and Spoonbender)? She could make anything interesting.

Gone Surfing.

These drawings are pretty damn funny. Yes, there are a lot of them to look at, but most of them made me grin.