Archive for August, 2005
Cat-n-Mouse Games At Work
This is a tad lengthy and wordy, and may not make sense, but I wanted to document it.
Allllll sorts of drama at the office this week! (Brief Confusing Background: Our owners used to be a couple. They haven't been together in years. They both are documented as owners of the business where I work; they were together when they started it. There is, however, a subsidy company of sorts and some transactions are somehow interrelated… it was established when they broke up- they both use various accounts set up under that particular name, but on paper it only actually belongs to one of them. I can't speak as to the legality of all this and I imagine it would be a courtroom nightmare to decipher, but they thought it was just easier to dive it that way, for some reason :P)
One of the owners, R, has personal purchases coming out of the business bank account. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except that he never enters them in Quickbooks, so the other owner, D, who handles accounting- pays the company bills, does the payroll, has no idea the money has been deducted. This, inevitably, causes checks to bounce. He only finds out about the withdrawals either when he gets a statement a month later with NSFs, or gets a call from the intended recipient of a check. Not only is that a major inconvenience and costs additional monies, but it just looks bad [to the employees whose paychecks won't clear- they are worrying about job security, to vendors we owe- they certainly don't have much confidence in being paid by us anymore, and the bank- who is getting irked that this happens so frequently].
D tore up R's paycheck last week, after R neglected to note he'd taken almost 5k out of the account. There are going to be A LOT of associated fees now, and some vendors will likely cut us off because of this incident, which is, unfortunately, not an isolated one. I can't help but feel the same way as D- that money needs to be put back to cover what came out… read: R's negilent 'mistake.' (Besides, R has a glass making hobby that has suddenly become quite lucrative- in fact, it is basically ALL he's focusing on these days and giving little mind to my employer, so it's not like he has no income this period.) D has every right to be angry, imo, because this is a common occurance with a very simple solution. At first, we tried to cut R some slack for being 'forgetful.' That is until he actually said he doesn't enter his purchases because he knows he'll get shit for spending so much! ARGH! D has tried and tried again to explain that he would be a lot less pissed if the account was just balanced properly, so he knows the full cashflow situation before he mails any checks. C'mon now, that isn't too much to ask, is it?! R just can't seems to live within his means. A whole lot of people end up suffering because of that!
He just doesn't get it. He's being a huge baby about the circumstances too. He called in all indignant Monday to say he wouldn't be here week. *shrugs*
This is where it gets incredibly complicated and downright spiteful…
Yesterday, R storms in for a quick scream at D… informs him he's filed a claim with the post office telling them D has been stealing checks out of th po box, and that they just changed the locks on it. WTF?! Incoming payments ALWAYS go to D because HE is the one who receives them into Quickbooks and makes deposits. Furthermore, D is the only one who ever bothers to check the po box- not R, never R! It isn't 'on his way.' *Pfft*
Ah, but the joke is on R. His nasty trick did not work! Apparently, the box is under D's company name- the one R really has no part of when it comes down to the dotted line. Though both are listed as contacts on the postal card (for convenience- in case one is unavailable in an emergency), D brought in paperwork to the clerk showing he is the sole owner of that business name the box is registered to (thereby, proving he wouldn't be stealing payments addressed to the company he solely owns). This allowed D to have R removed from the access card and the lock was changed again. D also opened a new bank account at another bank and R won't be able to use it.
What an evile mess! Of course, R is going to counter attack in some way, then D will follow up- back and forth, endlessly. I'd say this is gonna get ugly, but it already IS!
(On a semi-related note: I just ordered Vargas Pin-up Girl checks with my new address/phone on them. *wolf whistles* They are uber-sexy!)
Doc XXX
The following information was gained through much arduous research by Doc XXX. All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out – while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is “after-play”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “After-play” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
;-)
The quote. The admission.
“My hair is known all over the world.” Who said it? A supermodel? No. Telly Savalas? No. Donald Trump! And that brings me to the confessional again…. He's one of my secret celebrity crushes. (Uh-oh, not so secret now, whoops!)
It isn't that he's classically good looking. His face has character though, and I like that. I think the attraction stems from the way he carries himself and the manner in which he delivers words- clearly authorative and educated. Surprise, surprise, by watching The Apprentice, I've even caught snippets that would indicate a keen sense of humour too. Being well dressed certainly doesn't hurt either.
However, in truth, his social status and cash flow are actually a bit of a drawback for me. They bring attention I wouldn't relish. All of this is completely irrelevant, of course. I am too old for him *snickers*
Nith Horth
Early one morning the owner of a horse stud farm gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who is interested in buying a horse. He is on his way over.”
Soon the midget arrives at the breeding farm. The owner of the stud farm asks if he is interested in a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth!” says the midget. “Can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth. “Nith mouth!” says the midget.
“Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.
“Now, what about the earsth?” The owner is getting somewhat perturbed as he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
“Okay, finally, I'd like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses vagina, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhath I should rethrase… I'd like to see her run!
Cleansing the palate, literally.
I discovered the source of my dislike for Mexican food. Cilantro. To me, it tastes like glass cleaner (Windex). Nerd that I am, I googled it and found that some people have a genetic difference in their tastebuds that gives cilantro a sudsy flavour. Was I one of these mutants?
I decided to do some experiments just to be sure I had the right culprit. Hypothesis: I should save cilantro for washing the dishes, scrubbing he toilet, doing laundry, or teaching potty-mouthed children a lesson. Method: I tried a cilantro pesto on mostacolli. Results: It was as delicious as any detergent! Method: I gave it one more shot last night in a mixed greens organic salad. Results: Nary a curse word had I uttered until after my mouth was filled with the taste of soap. (Appropriate punishment for ingesting something I knew I didn't really like?) Conclusion: Apparently, I am defective in more ways than I had conceived ;)
The Sunday Stretch
I work up early (odd, considering I was up late) and realized I had the whole day in front of me to do whatever I wanted… walk around the shops, unpack, get a pedicure, have lunch and coffee out. Or, the old stand bys- cam or read. Now, how often does this opportunity present itself? Oh, maybe once every few months. Then, of course, I realized there really wasn't anything in particular I felt like doing (especially in this ninety-something heat). So, here I am, hammering out a quick post :)
I've felt so stable and just… good the past two days. A private pain I've been struggling with for a couple of weeks seems like it's going to be okay afterall. I can't tell you what a huge relief it is to feel optimistic again. I'd have been a lot worse off mentally/emotionally during that period had I not moved, I think. This place serves as a bit of a buffer for sadness. Yes, it has some memories since I've lived in this building before, but by being in a different unit that has a different layout, it still feels fresh and new- yet there's a special closeness to it as well, because I can look out my window and see familiar, beloved surroundings. I know I talk about my apartment and moving a lot, but I just can't stop because of the impact it has had on me. Think of someone who's just bought their first house. They're so excited about all aspects of it, they just can't shut up. That's exactly how I feel. Cut me some slack; I'll probably never own a home, so this is as good as it gets, heh.
Oh, little known fact about me: I am a huge WWII history buff. I've been watching, imo, thee best documentary on the era, The World At War. C'mon now, you've gotta admit my guy is lucky… not only will I tolerate watching it, I actually LIKE it. I make him pause it whenever I get up to grab a drink or take a leak. (Haha, shouldn't the expression be “leave a leak”? I don't want to take it anywhere with me!)
Kick back and watch
Washington, D.C. – On Wednesday, 14 Marines deployed to Iraq from Ohio were killed when their armored vehicle hit a roadside bomb. The attack is one of the deadliest attacks to take place in Iraq. Days earlier, 6 Marines from the same unit were killed in a fire-fight near Haditha.
Meanwhile, Republican President George W. Bush set out to begin his 5 week vacation in Crawford Texas. The planned vacation will be the longest presidential getaway in 36 years (Richard Nixon spent over a month at his San Clemente estate in 1969)!
While Bush's aides and enablers defend the president's aggressive vacationing, it is simply poor leadership on the part of the Commander in Chief. While American soldiers, sailors, Marines and airmen are disallowed from simply returning to the United States as scheduled and risks their lives in Iraq each day, the President of the United States enjoys the comfort and pleasures of his Crawford ranch.
“As a self-professed 'Wartime President', George W. Bush needs to start taking his job seriously by showing the leadership that our troops deserve. Throughout his presidency, Bush has wrapped himself in patriotic rhetoric by using the troops as the focus of American pride. It's time for Bush to take a step toward working as hard as they do by simply staying on the job and finding a way to bring our troops home.” – Shane Cory, director of communications for the Libertarian Party.
Quick Facts:
* American troops reported dead in Iraq: 1822
* Length of the invasion/occupation of Iraq: 869 days
* Vacation days of the Bush presidency: 319 days (20%)
* Average days of annual paid vacation of the working American: 13
* Days of annual leave for military personnel: 30
I feel cheated, disrespected, and a little less safe every day. I see no end in sight. What are we waiting for? Is there some miraculous event that will get us out? We can't just make everything okay again over there. What a mess we've made! I wonder what future documentaries will say about this war? What lessons do we want to learn from this?
*Beep, beep, vroom, vroom*
Bumper Sticker: Honk if you've never seen an uzi fired from a car window.
This reminds me of a case that has been big news here lately. A man shot 2 teenagers after they egged his car. One did not survive, the other was wounded. The disturbing factor in the case is the premeditation- he wasn't already carrying the gun, he had to turn around, go home, get it, and come back to the spot. Doh!
My boss even had a little case of road rage yesterday. He signaled to turn into our parking lot. A lady who also wanted to turn into our parking lot must have decided he wasn't going fast enough for her liking (or she just plain wasn't paying attention *ahem, cell phone*), because without signaling, she came from behind him and went around the front of him to turn. He got pissed. He followed her. Came alongside of her, and poured a large cup of ice water through her window onto her. *Muhahaha!* An hour later, the police showed up at our office, looking for the owner of his vehicle. Double doh! I thought they were going to take him downtown [for assault], but I guess he was able to sufficiently explain the situation away.
I don't drive. (I've never learned how.) Sometimes, I'm thankful.
The Mind's Eye
Professor Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smythe gasped, then said coldly, “Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question for you to ask me. I can assure you that my parents will hear of this incident!”
With that Miss Smythe sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Professor Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the very same question.
Miss Johnson, with complete composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye; in dim light.”
“Correct, Miss Johnson,” said Professor Perkins.
“And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.”
“One, you have not studied your lesson.”
“Two, you have a dirty mind.”
“And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Just Now
I just found out Obituary and Napalm Death are playing here in September! Fuck yes! \m/
I also just plugged in my tv for the first time in 2 weeks. The silence was killing me.
And, I just received a really nice email from someone I had thought was a jerk. It's times like these when I like finding out I'm wrong.