Bringing You Up To Speed

Been a long time and I have a lot of ground to cover, so for you Skimmers, here's what I'll be addressing:
Maybe you were aware, maybe not…
1) My mother is in so-so health at this time.
2) After his latest antics, I want nothing to do with my brother.
3) Agrv8r and I broke up in August.
4) I moved in with T.
5) We're engaged!
6) I took my website down.
7) I've been thinking about that…

I.
Mom's kidneys are functioning at 60% combined. So far, she doesn't need dialysis. As of right now, she does still have some stones lodged in the “fingers” of them. That might cause periodic infections for which she'll take antibiotics, but unless they drop down into the organ, there's no need for surgery. Unfortunately, she has several hernias as a result of the multiple operations she's had and once she's healed a bit more she will have those taken care of. In the meantime, she's wearing a belt-like contraption to help ease the pain.

II.
My brother, ever disrespectful and unreliable, didn't bother to show up for the Thanksgiving Feast that Mom worked on preparing for two days. Of course, it made her cry. He does shit like this all the time and it infuriates me, especially what with her almost dying so recently. True to form, he rolled in about 1:30 in the morning, letting himself in with his key, barging into Ma's bedroom to wake her up and say something smartass, “Happy birthday or Thanksgiving or whatever it is.” She told him he'd really hurt her feelings by standing her up and his reply was, “well, whatever, I guess I'll leave then.” And he did. When she tearfully relayed this to me she about killed me when she said, He doesn't understand this could be the last one I have left.” !@#$ At this point, I am ready to rip his fucking face off!!! The kicker? Mama also revealed he had the nerve to tell her he thought it was phony of me to go to the hospital every day and hold her hand and talk to her when she was in a coma. Fuck you, buddy! I am so done with his ass. Nothing can heal this rift. We are officially estranged.

III.
Prior to my brother, I had to let someone else go from my life- when I broke up with Agrv8r. We just weren't as compatible as we thought. Both of us had needs/wants it was clear the other couldn't/wouldn't meet. It didn't seem fair to be bound together when there was someone else out there better suited for each of us. But, I wish him no ill. We had some good times together, so it can sometimes be hard to see him out or run across photos of him online. He's blocked all communication, so I guess it's safe to say he didn't take it well. But, some good did come out of the whole thing…

IV.
By leaving T and getting involved with someone else, I inadvertently forced his hand, so to speak. Losing me was such an emotional upheaval for him. T did some soul searching and didn't like what he found. He realized how his treatment made me feel and that the changes I had been asking him to make so many times, for so long, weren't so unreasonable or impossible. He was genuinely making an effort, so I agreed to give Us one more shot. I'm glad I did. Out relationship isn't perfect, but it is better than ever before… so good that I MOVED IN WITH HIM!

V.
Living together wasn't as tough as I expected for a loner like me. It has actually been the proving ground we needed (heh, it took us 8 years…). WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! He's saving up to present me with an engagement ring on our anniversary (January 21st) and then we'll tell our family and friends.

VI.
Somewhere throughout all these happenings, I decided to take down my website. I didn't have the time or inclination to maintain it. No mystery or melodramatics intended. That's not to say it was an easy choice! I opted to keep my cam on Camwhores because it's spehshul ;) T demonstrated what a changed man he is by doing a members only show there with me. He'd so opposed it in the past, but discovered he enjoyed himself. In fact, he wants to further participate in my online activities and do another, as well as private shows, videos and photo sets. That brings me to my final bit of news…

VII.
I suspect I am going to either redevelop TousledElegance.net or make another of my domains public. It would only be updated occasionally, but I'd really love to have something to tinker with when the mood strikes. That, and I like having a place for people to get to know the girl behind the camera and for people to keep in touch. I'm only hesitant because in my particular niche, I will draw a lot of trolls. Do I want the annoyance? Do I have the confidence? Does it even matter? While many will not like it, there will always be those who have visited regularly since 2001 that will enjoy and support whatever I do. And, I would be appealing to an entirely different cross-section as well. Either way, I'll let you know what I decide!

Until then, hope all is well with you and that you have a wonderful holiday!

Love,
TE

Edited: December 10th, 2007

With Deepest Regret,

“People so seldom say I love you And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to.”

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

“Regret is insight that comes a day too late”

“A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams”

“Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could do some good.”

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

“It took me less than half a lifetime to realize that regret is one of the few guaranteed certainties. Sooner or later everything is touched by it, despite our naive and sensless hope that just this time we will be spared its cold hand on our heart”

“Regrets are idle; yet history is one long regret. Everything might have turned out so differently.”

“These are the tears ~~ The tears we shed ~~ This is the fear ~~ This is the dread ~~ These are the contents of my head”

Edited: September 9th, 2007

Why There Is No God

This is what is inside of both of my mother’s kidneys again.

Edited: August 20th, 2007

Back In The Loop

So sorry to leave you out of the loop. I've been a bad, bad el-jay friend… posting my deepest darkest secrets under another pseudonym on another service instead of sharing them with you all. Sometimes, it's easier to put everything out there to absolute strangers- people who expect nothing of you, who have no preconceived notions, you know? You don't really have to worry about what they'll think and you can just be yourself without the threat of repercussions. *lesigh*

More later… because I am exhausted and I am sure I'm leaving out something… something important… or, at the very least, juicy ;)

Edited: June 28th, 2007

Wanker

Edited: June 6th, 2007

Dead Rockstars Love Docs?!

Doc Martens launched an ad campaign last week in the United Kingdom that featured four dead rock stars — Kurt Cobain, Joey Ramone, Sid Vicious and Joe Strummer — wearing the boots in heaven. “We wanted to communicate that Dr. Martens boots are ‘made to last,’” explains writer Andrew Petch of the Saatchi & Saatchi advertising firm, who created the ads. “We discovered that these idolized musicians wore them. Showing them still wearing their Docs in heaven dramatized the boots’ durability perfectly. And, as images, they feel very iconic.” In addition to generally being completely tasteless (Using dead rock stars to promote shoes that are “made to last?” Oh brother.), the ads drew flak from Courtney Love and Mickey Leigh, brother of the late Joey Ramone. “Obviously, we are in the same position as Courtney Love, as well as the estates of the others depicted [in the ad],” Leigh said in a statement. “We were never consulted about this ad. We were never asked for permission to use Joey’s image, or paid for the use of it. As executor of my brother’s estate I never would have approved this ad as Joey never wore these shoes. And, not that my brother was terribly religious, but the fact that he was Jewish, and this ad is not exactly Kosher, makes it that much more inappropriate, inconsiderate and contemptible.” Doc Martens summarily fired Saatchi & Saatchi, and CEO David Suddens groveled for an apology in People. “We never should have done that,” he told the magazine. “It’s not a campaign we want to be associated with.”

Originally published at TousledElegance.net. Please leave any comments there.

Edited: June 4th, 2007

Won't Pull A Britney

I promise I'm not having a breakdown :) I am making a lot of changes though… in men, on CW, at work and now with my hair.

Before and After.

I feel like a modern day Cleopatra :)

Edited: May 26th, 2007

Bittersweet

About two weeks ago, I finally told my boyfriend what I had been thinking for several months. “I’ve never been so lonely in all my life.” And that isn’t something one should have to say to their significant other of seven years. It hurt like hell to put the realization into words, but it had to come out before I did something self-destructive. That culminated in us “taking a break.” I made it an official cancellation last weekend and ended the relationship. The same ol’ issues kept cropping up and neither one of us seems willing to do our part to resolve them. We just swept them under the rug until it gets pulled out from under us again.

I would have waited it out again this time, like all the other times, but there was one significantly different factor- I met someone else. I wasn’t LOOKING; I was completely blindsided by it. Call it luck, karma, fate- whatever. I’m just grateful. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is deliciously fightening.

Originally published at TousledElegance.net. You can comment here or there.

Edited: May 22nd, 2007

But I Just Can’t Help It

There are a few things I am kind of embarrassed to admit I like. Past Is A Grotesque Animal by Of Montreal is one of them.

Originally published at TousledElegance.net. You can comment here or there.

Edited: May 4th, 2007

*stammers*

I've been staring at the blinking cursor for a while. I am still flabbergasted and I can't find the words to explain. Start at the beginning. A very good place to start. My Space. Again. It's evil. It's annoying. It makes me feel like a stalker. But, I can't stop logging in and browsing around. I had an odd message waiting for me today. The subject was: “You've Sure Changed The Past 10 Years.” (Like an assload of us, I was a total outcast in high school and taunted constantly. I am the cliche ugly duckling though. I finally got cute in my twenties.) I expected it to be yet another prick from back in the day telling me something crappy along the lines of 'boy I sure was ugly and weird then, but now I'm hot; let's hook up.' Strangely, the contents of this one simply read, “Do you recognize me at all?” Ok, intriguing. The guy in the user icon is attractive. Looks familiar. I defintely know him. Wonder if he has any more photos? Maybe I can guess who he is from them. *click* As I wait for the page to load, I suddenly remember his name. There are two reasons why. 1) He sat behind me in 10th grade summer school English Lit. He was one of the in crowd and devastatingly gorgeous. [Italian features, sultry sleepy eyes, easy lopsided mischievous smirk, a sexy laid back drawl.] Best of all, he was nice to me. Actually talked to me. One of the few that did/was. 2) His last name is Rousseau. It will always stick in my mind because of the philosopher.
I send a friendly reply, inquiring what he's up to these days. What follows over the next five hours becomes a very personal exchange in which I discover things about him that I never would have suspected. Great things. Things that have me grinning from ear to ear. (Throughout the conversation, it slowly became more and more clear that he is interested in me.) He is a bit of an intellectual and always admired that trait in me. He is a free-thinker. He likes stuff that is outside the norm. He actively seeks it, in fact. He is a also a bit of a hermit. He uses a vernacular that makes it clear he is as dorky as I am. (He wants to learn web design.) He hangs out at my neighborhood bars and has always wanted to go to my favourite place. Again, I hear a Jessica Biel comparison. I don't see it and make an offhand remark about her “killer abs.” His response? He thinks it's unequivocally sexy that I am no longer that thin, because he likes voluptuous women. (Hold the phone! The hot, popular, soccer player that used to date cheerleaders likes big girls?! This is like something out of cheesy teen movie.)
Anyway, he said he's attracted to me physically, but that physical attraction only goes so far. He'd like to meet up for a beer and talk some more, see what happens.
I am incredibly flattered and surprised. Yay to handsome, smart men coming out of the woodwork lately. That doesn't mean I'll go though ;)

Edited: April 6th, 2007

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