“Woe, Be Gone!”
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008I enjoy thinking and writing as if I were a Novel or Play personified. I might come up with a scenario and narrate it internally as if it were happening to ME right at that moment. It’s basically like method acting, at which I excel. I have a keen ability to understand and feel what it is like to be in someone else’s shoes.
However, it is a dangerous game to play with my mental health. For example, I envisioned myself committing suicide in various ways. Just imagining it wasn’t in and of itself the problem… in other words, it didn’t drive me to want to actually do it. But, I upset myself; I pushed too hard and brought myself to tears. I felt lousy the rest of the day and the memory, of not the story itself but rather the emotions within it, lingered. I should probably stop doing this, but it is so entertaining that I can’t seem to knock it off.
I also come up with overly colourful, melodramatic phrases to amuse myself. Sometimes though, they are a little too melancholy and hit maybe just a little too close to home. My latest one is to say something “has crushed my spirit.”
Unfortunately, there are two entities doing that very thing to me. Thinking of the phrase only clarified my circumstances. I found the perfect words to describe my feelings. Winter has crushed my spirit. My job has crushed my spirit.
I can’t elaborate on Work at the moment… I don’t want to get too agitated while I am still here. (I’m at lunch, using my laptop.) Ah, but, as for the vile Season we’re stuck in? !@#$ is a good expression with which to begin. It has snowed every single day so far this week and it is forecasted on each remaining, as well as two the following week. I don’t want to go outside AT ALL; I just want to wait inside until May (Indiana doesn’t have much of a Spring or Autumn- we’re mostly roasting or freezing). I’m beyond grouchy. I’m also something akin to hollowed out, empty inside, void of energy. Neither sunshine, vitamins, diet, nor excercize has had much of an impact. Oh, I know the cure, alright… morning coffee on the porch, lounging outside with my a book, picnics at the Art Museum, bouncing around in the pool at the Country Club, long walks after dinner. *sigh* I’ll wait. Hope people can tolerate me in the meantime! :P
