Body In Revolt

On and off, for over a month, I have had horrible stomach pain. Think of the worst heartburn, acid reflux or hunger pangs you’ve ever experienced and add to that the feeling of a small creature inside your stomach kicking you at varying intervals. Imagine feeling these feelings constantly for days at a stretch. I am keeping the makers of antacids in business, I tell ya!Sometimes it hurts so terribly I catch myself holding my breath, waiting for it to pass. Eating is a crapshoot providing either momentary relief or searing irritation. I can’t bend in any direction. I can’t sleep. And, worst of all, I can’t afford to go to a doctor. The low income clinics say I make a little bit too much for any of them to help me, but they look at my net income and do not account for any of my living expenses. That seems skewed and unfair when I’m left with thirty-five bucks a month for spending money.I have few choices. I have to self-medicate because I cannot function like this. I looked up some home remedies. The horrid concotion of fennel, ginger, cardamom, honey, black pepper and baking soda barely took the edge off and I nearly gagged on it. I delved deeper into researching. Apparently drinking some oils eases the pain. I couldn’t find a place that carried the first suggestion of Pine Nut Oil, so I used the alternative – olive oil. It wasn’t as thick and greasy going down as I expected. It didn’t taste so bad, but it had a bruning aftertaste that had nothing to do with my tummy.  WHEW! I think it helped though. I had dinner, did some sleeping meds and crashed most of the night.It did not give me shits, thankfully. Woke up tender bellied, but no burning.I fear this is my infected teeth again. I’ve felt this before and it went away immediately after mouth surgery. Back then I tested negative for the ulcer causing bacteria, h pylori. With all the job stress I am under, I wonder if I am still negative. I guess I am now one of those people living with chronic pain. I understand why some consider suicide.  When it is bad, it ism unbearable. So, if I am not around as much, not as talkative, not as friendly, not as focused. It isn’t you. it is my body in revolt. 

Edited: September 30th, 2008

Fire!

Friday night was cool and we had the windows open. I noticed a wafting scent like burning paper and figured a neighbor was lighting a grill or something. Nice evening for grilling, I thought. Then I heard sirens. I hear them frequently though on this fairly major road, so I didn’t think much of it. Then more. And more. And more. I got up to see where they were going… it sounded like they stopped very near.I got up to peek out the window and saw it- a cloud of smoke. Woah! I stepped outside and there were trucks, flashing lights, smoke and gawkers everywhere. A neighbor comes running over towards one of the firemen with a pipe, telling him it would help. HUH?! I squinted at them a moment until it hit me… the fire department couldn’t get the hydrant open. Oh shit! They waved the guy off and had already sent a truck further up the street to open another. My boyfriend comes toddling back from the direction of the melee. He has the scoop. House fire. Caused by a lamp. Not sure it is was knocked over or sparked or something. Everyone got out ok. Mother and her 2 kids. The fire department had to use a chain saw to cut an opening to fight through which to fight the blazes. Yikes!By this point, my eyes and nose were burning from the smoke and it was getting difficult to see through it. I was about to head back inside when Boyfriend sauntered over to a cop and mentioned that our neighbor burns 6 torches in his yard all night long, unattended. (It has been a source of stress/worry for a while… The guy claims it is his security system to keep people out of his yard and prevent them from stealing all the crap he leaves out all over the damn place, including propane tanks and various flammable debris.) We wondered if the officer would take a look on his way out, maybe have a word with him about how leaving flames unattended was dangerous. Perfect timing to hopefully get through to him after this house fire. I don’t know if the police looked into it or not, but I did notice that for the past 2 nights, no torches have been lit. Mission accomplished?

Edited: September 28th, 2008

Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific

I got a long overdue trim last night and my stylist decided he wanted to
relax my bangs so they will behave and style better [read: without so much
effort]. About ten years ago, I used to get all over relaxers regularly.
They smelled like rotten eggs. This one, by Mizani, was practically
scentless. Cool. And it worked – without frying. Now, I don’t absolutely
have to flat iron my bangs for them to look ok. We’ll probably do touch-ups
on the new growth every 4 weeks.

In October, for my birthday, I am getting colour [to cover my gray, ha]. We
use Wella International. We’re doing a level 2 – they call it dark brown,
but it is basically black (there’s no actual “black” in European colour
lines) along with a level 5 a brown shade called Heather. I know, I know,
that’s not much contrast, but extremely subtle is what I’m going for this
time. Though the color will grab slightly different on the previously
processed pieces, I wanted just a bit more dimension than black alone
provides. (Picture Eva Longoria’s hair when she first started Desperate
Housewives- a sultry raven without a helmet head appearance.) I tried
Chestnut as a highlight colour previously and it was just a wee bit lighter
than I had hoped.
Besides, this is just a small change to get me through the growing out
phase… I’m switching to a sideswept bang soon. At the moment they are long
enough part down the middle and clip them on either side. I’m not all that
fond of the look, but it will keep them out of my eyes when needed and keep
the hair from getting captured in the spring of my glasses- ouch. So, maybe
an inch/inch and a half more will do it; I don’t have to wait months. Don’t
worry, no fashion mullets for me :)

What I’d really like to do is go Red (yeah, again). I’m not too damaged, but
I’m gonna store that idea in the back of my mind until Xmas or so. By then,
I can transform the length I will have gained into a new cut along with my
beloved Kadus Irish Setter Red. I _might_ even get tempted to do a long
layered shag with loose waves like Jessica Simpson (yuck) had, but with a
fiery color. Sassy. That’s a good excuse to get some new makeup too.
Hee-eey! *snap*

Oh, I’ve also been using Schwartzkopf Bonacure shampoo/conditioner recently.
It really softens the hair without it getting greasy quickly. Smells ok -
not too clean, flowery or fruity. I’m also using a leave-in by L’anza which
helps enable me to get a brush all the way through my thick, coarse, porous
hair. Mmm and it is shiny again, thanks. It smells good enough to eat! Don’t
though, because, um, it tastes awful! :D

Edited: September 25th, 2008

Now More Than Ever

I am really feeling the need to find a job where I am making a difference in peoples lives every day instead of being verbally and emotionally abused by my coworkers and clients. I’m wondering what options might be available to me. I know that I absolutely do not want to work directly with children or for any type of religious group, but I am open to helping the sick, the poor, the elderly, the handicapped. I would especially like to work for an organization that is an advocate for either Animals, Women’s issues, or for something like the National Kidney or Diabetes Foundation. (My ideal employment would be a Veterinary Office or Planned Parenthood.)
I’m not qualified though. I know I should have chosen a major other than Theatre, one with which I could actually establish some semblance of a career. But, I excelled at it and enjoyed it so much, I couldn’t let go of it. I believed the skills I learned would help me in other fields. They have, definitely, but I don’t have the required credentials on paper for anything else. If I could just get my foot in the door somewhere, I know I could prove myself! I have a wealth of self-taught knowledge and I know I would test well on it, if only I could get that far in the process.

Gah, it is a vicious circle much like the Credit industry… you can’t get credit because you don’t have credit and you don’t have credit because no one will give you any to get you started on establishing some. A handshake doesn’t mean anything anymore. Trust is much harder to earn [and maintain] than ever before. I am disheartened and disgusted by how the whole world revolves around money! There isn’t much you can do without it. I still think there’s a socio-economic plot to subjugate certain supposed “undesirables” and keep a class based system. The rich get richer; the poor stay that way. Old Money prevails. Nouveau Riche are a distained fluke, a flash in the pan. Lineage and tradition are preserved. “Da Man” (or “Whitey”?) is missing out though. There are some of us who are miscatergorized and thus, trapped. It isn’t for Destiny that a few are able to rise above, but Luck. I could use a little of that to get back on track. But, please, don’t pray for me. Ick. :P

Edited: September 23rd, 2008

The Hush

I woke up and felt good today. I thought maybe this is it. Maybe this is the day I can do something. Something my old self would have done. Maybe today I can be Me again. And that’s it… I keep waiting for that inspiration, something to spark me. Sometimes there is a moment of it, just a flash. In a song. On a breeze. From silence.
Silence.
As a loner, I’ve always treasured quiet. Now I have so few moments that I am truly alone. I hadn’t even noticed how I conditioned myself to tune out the people and noises around me. Until that silence. it is the kind of quiet that is so still it would unnerve a lot of people. Crickets. Birds. The wind. Hum of the fridge. That’s it. That’s all. That is the time I feel weightless. Balanced. Calm. I just AM and nothing else matters. Stressful thoughts try to worm their way in, but I just focus on the absence of sound around me and force them out. In that void, I find there are soothing sounds. Those sounds keep me centered. I live for that moment, because I know that it won’t last as long as I want it to. I don’t want to ruin that short time by dwelling on its shortness.

I am not a morning person. It is so rare for me to wake up and feel, well, awake. To feel good. To remember how much I like myself. How smart I am. How creative. How unique. How my face is kind of pretty. How I can write. How I have ideas. How I used to be all the time. How I could be again.

I did that. Today.

Edited: September 20th, 2008

D/s & My Fetishes

_ NSFW _

Based on my physical appearance [and possibly my independent personality], people often assume I am a Domme. I used to get kick out of that. Sure, I was aggressive in the pursuit of male sexual partners (however, not females, but that is an entirely different issue). But in the sex act itself, I was submissive – behind closed doors (and *only* there) I liked to be explicitly told what to do, how to do it, talked *at* degradingly, have all my holes “used” for the purpose of physical pleasure, shown off/displayed, shared, handled roughly, etc.

Sex has always been more mental than physical for me anyway. I’ve always believed that the “best” subs (and I sort of snort at that description, but can’t come up with another) are such because they understand their choices and the science of them. Likewise, I feel that is part of what makes them appropriate for a particular Master and vice versa – that innate comprehension of the entirety of their roles and how they mesh. In a way, one could argue that pledging yourself to submission is actually a dominant act because it is exercising your Free Will, even if that decision is to give it up/hand the reins to someone else. That’s a fair assessment, but whether the choice to do so is so major that it overrides anything else the Lifestyle itself encompasses makes for an interesting debate. let’s save it for another time.

Continuing…
I reasoned that my submissiveness was because I was so in control of my own life that it was necessary to kick back and lose control. (Well, also since reverence and compliments in general make me uncomfortable. I don’t trust the motivations for it and doubt the sincerity of it.)
It follows that as my circumstances have changed, so have my preferences…. It seems I get enough abuse at work, that I no longer want/need it in my personal life :P Yes, my job has altered my personality that much! I miss the person I was, but I’m stuck here, so I have to adapt.

Now, I find my tendencies and fantasies are more geared towards me being the Dominant figure. There are things that I have had an idle interest in purely on an aesthetic level or as clinical subject matter. Those are becoming more appealing to explore – by explore, I don’t mean just reading about them or looking at imagery of them, but *trying* them. Hopefully, if you’ve somehow managed to skim this far that statement will grab your interest and lead you to ask, “What, specifically?” :o

Although I have changed a lot, I still have many of the same fetishes in general: glasses, thinly penciled eyebrows, thick lipstick, heavy makeup, uniforms, roleplay, shaving, brunettes, redheads, asians. I have a few more fixations these days that are from more of a Domme perspective…
Panties: men touching/smelling/tasting/wearing/masturbating on or with mine
Feet: teasing/humiliating/masturbating men with my bare/dirty/painted/pedicured/stocking/heel or boot encased feet
Cuckolding: NOT them being forced to watch me with others, but rather me forcing men to be pleasured by other men
Strap-Ons: [see cuckolding]
Verbal Degradation: [self explanatory]
Crossdressing: men in pretty outfits

The easiest way for me to test the waters with these is probably online. Fetish Play is not completely uncharted territory for me because I have always catered to Fetishes that intrigue me. I’m not opposed to a Gratuity (not sure I like the connotations of “Tribute”) for these types of Sessions, but I’m really not interested in the Financial Domination scene, which might be a related, um, Request or Requirement from, uh, Clientele.
Maybe some of you would call me The Reluctant Domme, haha… I genuinely cherish the bond formed with Fetishists for reasons that are not strictly monetary and absolutely want the arrangement to be mutually satisfying for each of us. If we both get what we’re hoping for out of it, whatever that may be, I would consider it successful and positive. I’m not posturing. I can be stern and caring!

If any of this is of interest to you, I’ll be utilizing Rude, Niteflirt and perhaps a few other sites for private internet encounters of the close kind ;) I also still offer custom photos and videos; just inquire by email.

Oh, and for Women with their own adult websites, I would be open to discussing Guest Modeling, so please get in touch if you are in need of that. Note: I would really like to help out TastyTrixie.com, AdorableAudrey.com, and XXXmina.com in exchange for free access to your members areas. In addition to the above detailed Fetishes, some niches I might fit into are Gothic, BBW/Plumper, Exotic/Ethnic (Middle Eastern or Latina), POV and Reality.

Happy Perving! =)

Edited: September 18th, 2008

Outage

My electricity was out Sunday and Monday. It is back on today, but I still don’t have phone or internet. I will try to check email from my office during my lunch breaks. Hope to be back up at home by Friday. Ciao.

Edited: September 16th, 2008

Book Bannings & Teacher Burnings

It is old news, but I never brought this up because it is so upsetting to me. I couldn’t put my feelings into words that would this teacher justice. You see, she was my high school drama director and the one who influenced my decision to go to college and to major in Theatre. I learned more about myself and the world around me in HER class than throughout my entire education. To see her ousted for something like this is…  absolutely crushing. I wanted need to share this CNN clip about the “crime” and leave you to decide who is really more in the wrong… http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/06/29/tuchman.in.banned.book.cnn The story is like “Lean On Me,” without the happy ending. Any school would be lucky to have her. 

Edited: September 13th, 2008

S.A.

I’ve always known I’m just not a people person.

I know part of my social ineptitude comes from having grown up without much interaction with other people. There were no children to play with in my neighborhood and I wasn’t allowed to have “playdates” with anyone from school. I rarely got invited to their parties (and probably would not have been permitted to go anyway). My sister was so much older that she’d already moved out and my older brother was always out with his friends. My parents did not have company over or go out much. I learned to amuse myself. I still do. It is all I know. That is always why people have trouble following my train of thought or getting my jokes and obscure references. I live inside my head. The outside world and other people are foreign to me – not understood, slightly feared, a bit fascinating.
My brother was a brilliant but bad kid. I think his wildness made my parents paranoid about the same things happening with me. I should resent him more because I suffered for his mistakes, but he was so “cool” that all I ever wanted for him to think I was too…. except for the times he beat up my father right in front of me. I thought he was the most vile human being on the planet then. However, my parents were warm and loving most of the time.
**** MAJOR TRIGGERS AHEAD (alcoholism)****
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But, they came from that era of Booze Culture or Alcohol Chic, as I call it. They drank. A lot. When they did, they would say horribly critical things – calling people ugly/fat/stupid/worthless/slut/nigger lover/bulldyke, the kind of stuff you’d say to deliberately press someone’s buttons, words you should never say to a child. They never beat me, but I remember many a time when my mother would grab my arm and yank or dig her nails into it to make sure I was listening to her. I would run to my room to escape her. Sometimes, I sat on the floor in front of the door with my feet bracing against the foot of the bed so she could not open my door. Other times, I would push my dresser or desk in front of the door and pile as many things on it as I could to prevent her from forcing her way in. She’d push and shove against the door, grunting, making threats, saying awful things. It could take hours for her to give up, go away and pass out. (Yes, this is probably why I am very careful about how much I drink and try to talk others out of getting so drunk.) I retreated to a world of music and books. To this day those are the things I turn to for comfort. They took me to another place, gave me another feeling, or expressed what I could not.

I was not the golden child though. I had sex before I was even a teenager, ran away from home and got married in high school, started smoking as early as elementary school and did all sorts of drugs over the years. But, through it all, I was a mostly A student, with the occasional B. (Er, ok, well, math and Gym were always D-, but not for lack of trying or because of my behavior. I had so much trouble with arithmetic that I was sent to a ninety dollar an hour learning specialist that determined I have a mental block for numbers. Countless tutors couldn’t help and I only barely passed because teachers took pity and gave me loads of simple extra credit projects. I still count on my fingers and have to use a calculator for anything double digits. Gym class was a farce. I was underweight, uncoordinated and not at all athletic – remember I spent most of my times sitting inside reading or singing. I just couldn’t physically do what the others could easily. Were it not for the written tests, I would never have passed. It was bizarre because I was in advanced placement classes except for those two and I somehow still made honour rolls.)

Today, my “issues” are called Social Anxiety. I lay in bed trying to think of an excuse not to go into work that won’t get me fired; I dread it because I will have to talk to people. I get people off the phone as fast as I can. I rush home as quickly, avoiding necessary stops like the bank and the market to avoid people. I hold off on asking questions about bills and or canceling services. I order almost everything online, if I can’t do that I am less likely to buy it. I go out only when I absolutely have to and put it off as long as possible. I try to make the trip extremely brief. I don’t want to hang out with friends because I’m uncomfortable trying to have conversations and tired of people asking me how I am or what’s wrong all the time. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to chat online anymore because I don’t know what to say. It is becoming that way with emails too; short, business like and delayed.

I feel like I have so very little in common with people; I don’t connect with anyone. The effort is exhausting and so often not even worth it. Yes, absolutely, I am incredibly self absorbed. I have to be if I want to continue existing. (I don’t say “living” because I don’t feel very *alive* anymore.) Though, often, I am not sure I do.

What I need is to find a hobby I am good at and enjoy – it would also be nice to be able to incorporate it into my internet activities for sharing. It is important to me to have an image in my mind and be able to execute it. I love to paint/draw, but I suck at it (and I finish too fast or get bored too soon cause I’m not talented). I like sewing, but my pieces are always lumpy and crooked (and it takes too long for me to remain interested). I can’t play my clarinet because my teeth are too fucked up now. Maybe I would have the patience and skill to make some jewelry? Hmmm. Or, maybe t-shirts? I’m creative, but not very good with my hands. I’m limited on money too. I’ve always wanted to learn to knit, provided it isn’t frustratingly difficult. Ya see, this is part of why I like web design… it is cheap, I can do it in solitude, I pick it up fairly easily and it occupies me well enough… one can only do so much coding before burning out though.

I sometimes feel like I should apologize to people for my mental defects… but that friends would/should understand I do the best I can. As for anyone else, it is really none of their business unless I make it such. Anyway, I am done being ashamed. Of everything.

Edited: September 11th, 2008

Dollarsigns In My Winamp

In addition to the Piracy and File Sharing issue, The RIAA and Sound Exchange also believe internet radio negatively impacts cd sales. Based on my experiences, I have not found this to be true. In fact, since I started listening to an online station approximately two or three weeks ago, I did something I had not done in years – I bought not one, but TWO new cds. Better still, they were both current releases rather than my usual early nineties alternative rock or local faire. (Best of all, in the process, I also supported my “mom-n-pop” record shop. I helped stimulate the industry and the economy, all in one purchase. This also contributed to my choice not to download them from a peer to peer program.) Consequently, I am now also likely to pay to see these artists in concert, possibly get a t-shirt and shell out money for drinks (hereby, again, patronizing a local business).

What started the chain reaction? The ONLY reason I bought these two cds at all – because I heard them on an internet radio station! I also believe it is highly unlikely I would have been exposed to Fujiya & Miyagi or The Kills any other way than the web. You see, I very rarely listen to Commercial Radio, simply because there isn’t a station here that plays enough of the music I prefer to hold my interest, and College Radio isn’t really an option for me now that the station I enjoyed partnered with NPR. (And I like NPR, don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t something I would be apt to have playing all day, every day. I tune into their news in the morning and that’s about it.)

No, I’m not the average listener, but I am still a consumer within a target market. “They” (whomever “They” are) are not properly exploiting me utilizing me to their advantage! I have money to spend, that I am not spending on music because my interest is not being peaked/my needs are not being met by the average media outlets. If I were the only one in that predicament, internet radio wouldn’t be flourishing the way it is. Listening is convenient because I am online A LOT… so there’s more than ample opportunity to sell something to me.
Proof positive – I just heard something else I want to buy! But, not thanks to the RIAA or Sound Exchange’s efforts! All the credit, again, goes to my beloved WOXY!

Edited: September 8th, 2008

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