What Ever Happened To Him?

 

I was afraid I knew the answer. Why did I ask the question? I think it was because I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to tell me he was alive… and well.

When I met John he was recovering from cancer. We were introduced in a bar and over a few beers, I was told the story of how he almost died. He wasn’t in remission, but John didn’t look “terminally ill” (his skin wasn’t sallow and he still had all his hair) and I figured he must be doing well with his treatment if he was out drinking with friends.

(The wheels were already turning.)

I almost wonder if our friends anticipated how he’d tug at my heartstrings, how I’d want to give him some happiness in whatever way I could, to make up for some of the pain he’d felt and what he had to go through. Maybe that had something to do with why they made certain we became acquainted by leaving us to spend some time alone talking. You see, I have a soft spot for nice guys who deserve a little more female attention than they are used to getting. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am the Queen Of Pity Fucks, but I cannot deny it has happened before and it will likely happen again. But, I didn’t quite feel sorry for John. I felt more angry that he was cheated out of a portion of his life. I wanted to put things right. I knew what it was like to feel defective, different, defeated, yet still proud you’d made it this far.

As if intense empathy wasn’t enough to spark an attraction, John also made me laugh- out loud, a rapturous, carefree sound accompanied by a genuine wide, toothy grin. (Like so many women, I am a sucker for a witty sense of humour.) In friendly retaliation, I liked to make him blush with my flirtations and PDA. He loved getting the attention and I loved giving it, especially to someone so appreciative. He made me feel wanted emotionally, not just desirable sexually. It didn’t take long for us to progress to dating exclusively. We each gave the other something needed at the time.

People tell me that before John got cancer he was mean. A few said he could still be pretty spiteful sometimes. I never experienced that. Anything I wanted to do, anywhere I wanted to go, whatever I wanted, John was like a puppy dog. I say that with tenderness, dismay and guilt, because it was eagerness and devotion that drew me to him and that played a part in pushing me away. He adored me when I couldn’t adore myself.

John had a nerdy innocence about him and even though it had clearly endeared me, friends warned me to be careful with him… not necessarily just because he was sick, but because he had so little experience with women and I was known to be, well, a Maneater. And John had enough to deal with. “He didn’t need a broken heart on top of having cancer.“ Sometimes it is hard to hear the echo of that statement in my head. I feel it in my heart too.

I know that our break-up was probably inevitable. (I was in, what I consider to be, my formative years when we met… partying, drinking, fucking, having fun, trying new things. I outgrew the relationship, while he was a point in his life that everything stayed the same for him.) But, I don’t think getting involved with John was a mistake. I like to think that I still gave him a reason to smile, even if only for a while. He certainly made me appreciate the value of having a few close friends as opposed to a lot of acquaintances. John also taught me that “normal” is relative. What ‘happened’ to him is that he became more than I could ask for – an unforgettable part of my life.

 

John is buried in Crown Hill Cemetery. There is a pilgrimage I have to make.

Rest In Peace
January 11, 2003

Edited: October 13th, 2009

Protected: Yeah, happy birthday to me

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Edited: October 11th, 2009

Does Not Compute

I am stunned right now. I finally have a name to put to something that has been ‘wrong’ with me since elementary school, something that always made me feel bad/weird, etc. Better still, I found someone else with the same problem!
I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start at the logical place- the beginning. I have an excellent grasp of grammar and terrific reading comprehension. I write and speak well and I absolutely devour books, many of which would be considered “boring” or scholarly tomes, with ease. However, I’ve always had trouble with the most basic math. To this day, at age 31, I still can’t compute numbers in my head, make change, or measure properly. I have to make a guess and my guesses are usually way off. When I’m faced with a set of numbers and have to manipulate them in some way, I don’t know what to do with them. My brain just stalls. I draw a complete blank. I freeze. This makes me nervous, embarrassed, anxious, afraid, stressed, etc etc, which of course, only makes the ordeal worse and exacerbates future instances.
Teachers recommended my parents get a tutor. The tutors found different ways to explain things to me. I could do arithmetic along with them, but could not do it on my own and correctly duplicate their work, nor could I repeat the things we worked on A LOT once I returned to class. The tutors suggested my parents take me to a psychologist to determine what was causing my “fear of math,” which they suspected stemmed from my parents worrying about money and thus me worrying about the cause and effect of money, which translated to numbers. The doctor told them I had a “number block” and that tedious memory exercises might help. They also arranged with the school for me to take my math tests by myself in the quiet library. It didn’t make a significant difference. I still failed tests, just by a little less. The teachers gave me a shitload of extra credit worksheets to do with my tutor just so I could pass their classes with a D-. (I was especially lucky one year when my math teacher was my older brother’s best friend from when they were my age. He allowed me to do written “essays” about Arithmetic related topics to help my grade.) I never knew why it was so hard for me- especially when I was so advanced in things like English/Literature/Humanities.
Now, I believe I have Dyscalculia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia
         Potential symptoms (my comments are in italicized parenthesis):

  • Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, −, ÷ and ×.  (Sort of. I don’t know which sign to “perform” on a set of numbers in order to get the result I need.)
  • Difficulty with everyday tasks like checking change and reading analog clocks. (I can’t make change without at least counting on my fingers or making an illustration and I usually even need a calculator. I round times up or down depending on how close the hand is to either number.)
  • Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook. (I get thrown off by tax. I round up and add an additional dollar to that, hoping I’ll get close enough not to be under the total due.)
  • Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition tables, division tables, mental arithmetic, etc. (I know them when I SEE them written down, but I can’t THINK them in my head.)
  • May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained. (I rule at logic and abstract concepts, yet I was literally 2 points away from failing General Math. I’ve never really done algebra; I just couldn’t grasp why the letters and unknown quantities had to exist at all and I never could figure out how to put something in there place to make the equation “work” right. I barely passed each math course I’ve taken and had an A or A- in every other subject. Math was the only thing that prevented me from a 4.0 gpa in high school. In college, I couldn’t even pass the remedials that would have allowed me to take the basics, which caused me to only be able to obtain an Associates instead of a Bachelors because I could not pass the basic required math courses needed for a four year education degree.)
  • Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late. (Kind of. I had always attributed it to just being “distracted.” I set my clocks 13 minutes fast because if I look at them, my mind will round that to 10 and I end up hurrying, thinking I only have ten minutes, which makes me right on time!)
  • Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right. (No, not really, but I can’t think of streets in terms of North or South, etal.)
  • Difficulty navigating or mentally “turning” the map to face the current direction rather than the common North=Top usage. (Whoa, just noticed this is an issue for me! Never gave it much thought. I always have to physically put maps in the direction I’m going for them to make sense!
  • Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet/3 or 6 meters away. (True. I couldn’t even begin to accurately guess. I cannot “visualize” 10 feet.)
  • Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences. (No matter how many times they are explained or shown to me, they don’t seem logical and I can’t retain the information.)
  • An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65. (If I quietly repeat them to myself several times first, I might get it right!)
  • Difficulty keeping score during games. (I assumed this was just a memory problem or that I was distracted.)
  • Difficulty with games such as poker with more flexible rules for scoring. (I’ve been playing Euchre and Texas Hold Em for over 20 years, but I still have to remind myself what cards are worth which values and which cards are a what.)
  • Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps) to the abstract (reading, writing and signaling things in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables. (OMG! I was awful at the dancing portion in show choir, not just because I was uncoordinated, but even more so because I couldn’t remember when to do what move no matter how much repetition was drilled into my head!)
  • The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences. (Totally! I already know what’s going to happen – that I’m not going to be able to do the math and that makes me feel even more [insert emotion here].)
  • Low latent inhibition, i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, light and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this, possibly as cognitive compensation to mathematical-numeric deficits. (Hell yes! I can’t read with music on or study with the tv going. I need quiet and bright lights. I focus on the most appealing work first- whatever is creative or “literary” and put off the rest until the last moment.)

Wow. Most of these describe me! I should take an official test to confirm it! I’m not stupid or inept afterall! To know exactly what’s wrong with me and that I’m not the only one is such a huge relief. I wish someone had known back then. Maybe I could have been helped and saved a lot of negativity.

Edited: August 21st, 2009

Government (Mis)management

The Department Of Education demonstrates one of the many ways in which they excel at customer service…

     —–Original Message—–
    From:   Student Aid
    Sent:   Wednesday, August 12, 2009 4:19 PM
    To:     Anastacia xxxxxxx
    Subject:        Not read: Balance remaining on Direct Consolidated Subsidized loan

    Your message was deleted without being read on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 3:18:57 PM (GMT-06:00) Central Time (US & Canada).


Edited: August 13th, 2009

I <3 Camwhores.com!

Update Mon. 8/10: I have NO invites left. When I am given more, I will extend the same gracious offer.

The big news: The site has been sold; Stile is no longer associated with it. The new owners (who also own MyFreeCams.com) have given the reins to our beloved Kevin. He truly feels that we can find a happy medium again for nude/non-nude cams and for those that want to make some money and those that just want to have a fun. I trust him implicitly and I really look forward to the changes that are to come. It feels better there already. (I love having the ability to vote for my friends again, for example.)
If you are a former cammer that left because you weren’t enjoying yourself anymore or because you had issues with the management, please seriously consider adding your cam again. (Prior members who left for some of the same reasons, please consider giving the site another chance! So many of us have such a good feeling about this!) Note: If you were a cammer on the site previously, you will be placed back on the main page straight away; you will not have to go through the “Wanna-be” voting process.

As a promotion, I have been given some invites for Camwhores.com.
They are for a no strings, 7 day free trial of the site. No credit card needed.

The only requirements are:
- You are over 18.
- You haven’t been a Camwhores member in over 90 days.
- You haven’t used your email address for a CW trial previously.
- You promise not to be an asshole on the site.

The trial gives you access to 686,568+ cam images and 1072+ hours of video of 200+ camgirls. You’ll also have the ability to chat and watch live shows. It’s not just “free porn” though; there is a definite ‘community’ feel to the website with nude and non-nude girls that don’t think of every member as a human ATM. I think you’ll like it enough to want to continue visiting. I’m so addicted, I’ve been there since 2002!
This offer is first come, first served. When they are gone, they are gone! If you’d like an invite, please email me (anastaciaATtousledelegance.net). Thanks!

Edited: August 9th, 2009

Link Exchange

I’ve been saying I was going to do this, literally, for years and just never got around to it. The recent shake-up of CW has inspired me to get on with it.

I will, really and truly, be updating my links list on TousledElegance.net sometime this month. If you’d like your site, blog, store or something added, please let me know and I’ll take a look at it. If it isn’t filled with hate or avarice, it’ll probably get the green light.

Edited: August 9th, 2009

Incommunicado

A storm knocked out my electricity on Tuesday morning. The power company said it might be a few days before they can get it back on. (The main box for the whole block was destroyed when a tree came down. The tree has been cut up and removed, but the box is a more complex fix.)

I’m checking my emails etc from the office before we open, on my lunch hour and prior to leaving for the day. If I am slow to respond or not around much, that is why.

I’m ok. A little bored, but not completely miserable. Yet.

Update Wednesday 8/5 7:30 PM – Yay, back on!!!!

Edited: August 5th, 2009

Ask; Don’t Steal!

I’m sitting here next to an open window, basking in the breeze, when I hear some urgent whispering and rustling sounds. I look out and see two guys pulling on the branches of our apple tree that the tree is bowed. I mean, they are really tugging hard without regard for the tree at all. (It has been loose in the ground since the last major storm and we’re worried it won’t make it. We’re surprised it bloomed at all, considering. Anyway, people yanking on it is obviously not only bad for the tree, but dangerous for them too.)

We deal with people trespassing on our property and stealing our fruit every year. It’s getting really fucking old. The trees have to be professionally cared for and it isn’t cheap. We’d like to enjoy some of our own fruit that we’ve spent time and money to grow. I don’t think that is unreasonable. We tell the neighbors that anyone is welcome to have some, as long as they just konck on the door and ask us first- don’t trespass and don’t steal. We’ll give them some. Seems fair, right?

And yet there are still people who help themselves. And when we catch them, we are way too fucking nice, in my opinion. We ask them to please stay out of the yard and not to take the fruit without asking. Then, we give them some!  Today, the neighbors across the street were livid that we came out and did this. They ranted and raved about how we had no right to accuse anyone of anything… BUT I SAT HERE AND WATCHED THEM WHILE THEY DID IT and our neighbors were sitting out on their front porch facing the tree, so there’s absolutely no way they could not or did not see them!

I can’t help but feel like we’re victims of racism here. Our house sits on the corner of an intersection and we’re the only white family on that particular street. I feel like everyone takes up for their homies in the hood, but thinks “fuck whitey.” There sure seems to be some sort of stereotyping and “rob from the rich, steal from the poor” mentality going on. The irony is, we have as little as most of the families in this depressed area. We’re struggling too.

I wish we could find some sense of unity for the sake of the neighborhood. We want it to be a nice place to live. We want it to be a safe place to live.  We’d never dream of trying to run people out of it to suit our standard, but I have to admit, I cannot wait until I can move somewhere else. Where ever I go, it will have its own unique set of problems. I understand that, but it doesn’t mean I have to accept it. There’s a place that is a good fit for me. I don’t know where it is, but I’m positive that it isn’t here.

Edited: August 2nd, 2009

The Lord Is My Paycheck

I grit my teeth every time a bill from a particular company crosses my desk. They tout themselves as “A Christian Repair Service” and their invoices have a crucifix on them. *shudder* Admittedly, I am slightly amused that they’ve accidentally worded it so that it implies Xians need fixing, but while your spiritual beliefs may govern your thoughts and actions, I strongly feel Business and Religion should be kept separate… I’ve never understood the compulsion to mix the two so incredibly publicly.

I may be an Atheist, but honestly, I would cringe every bit as much if I saw a bill from a company labeling themselves as “Atheist Owned And Operated.” (There’s a time and place for everything! Spirituality is a private thing!) I’m actually shocked that any mention of being a “faith based” company is legal; that seems to teeter on the brink of being discriminatory.

I find using God for marketing purposes to be distasteful, inappropriate, and, well, kind of slimy and creepy. The church is a wide social network and the opportunity for word of mouth through church functions seems like it would be sufficient enough to draw a significant amount of customers without plastering so much what is, essentially, overt propaganda elsewhere.

It seems like such an odd thing to do. It does nothing to promote the idea that their goods or services are somehow better in quality (because they are “blessed,” haha); it sort of gives off a condescending vibe to me. I mean, ones religion does not imply they are more professional or more experienced than those of another. It’s completely irrelevant in that respect! It is not an accurate indicator of ethical business practices. In fact, to some, it is off-putting, suggesting exactly the opposite and deters patronage. (And the erroneous assumptions/broad generalizations go both ways. Both “sides” are guilty of making them. You can thank the antics of figures such as Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osborne, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart alike for drawing attention to the negatives and/or extremes.)

I am so adamant about religion not belonging in the workplace that I was one of several employees who quit when the corporation was purchased by owners who added “John 3:16″ to the signs, began hosting morning prayer meetings at the office and instituted religious t-shirt Fridays. The vigils and clothing were not mandatory, but if you didn’t participate, you were told you were not being a team player. Luckily, the conflicting bus schedule got me out of attending, but when I wore a top with an Ankh on it, I was sent home and ordered to change out of my “Satanic attire,” that was the last straw. I secured another job, with their competitor, that very afternoon. It is a shame I felt compelled to do so, but to me, “freedom of religion” also means freedom from it. If I want a God, I know where to start looking; it should not be on my desk. :P

Edited: July 28th, 2009

Site Stats July “09

I check my website statistics mostly out of curiosity. Every once in a while, I like to share them. Maybe other webmasters will find it interesting or helpful. Feel free to comment and share some of yours!

***

Browser: over 80% of my visitors use Internet Explorer. Surprisingly, Netscape is the next most used at 12%. Firefox is only slightly above 6%. The others are only a fraction of a percent. This makes me sad. Before I started using Wordpress, I used to focus on cross-browser compatibility. It was frustrating, especially when coding by hand in notepad, but I know I learned a lot that way. I feel like I’ve been lured out of the loop by convenience. By today’s design standards, I would suck.

OS: Almost 90% of my visitors use Windows… XP, 98 and NT- in that order, but Vista is only a fraction of a percent. Oddly enough, the next most popular operating system among them is “unknown.” In the list of unknowns, many appear to be mobile users. (The future of the web?) Mac users account for less than one percent. There are even some Playstation and Wii visitors. Neat!

Countries: Most viewers are from the US, France, Canada, Netherlands, China, Germany, Great Britain, South Korea and Russia. I know my geography, but there is one country I did not recognize- Brunei Darussalam, which Google indicates is in Southeast Asia, on the Island of Borneo. Wow.

Referrers: Most of my hits come from Steph The Geek’s, Adorable Audrey’s and Sybil Hawthorne’s sites. All girls I love, so this pleases me. I really don’t see anything that shouldn’t be there or that alarms me…. no unauthorized hotlinks or government agencies, as I might have a few years ago.

Search Key Phrases: They are telling this month, with most being foot fetish related :) Many people, apparently, also want to know “does faiuruza balk wear thongs?” If you can confirm that, please let me know, haha! Several visitors were also looking for “sexy navajo chicks,” but unfortunately did not find any on my site. :P Some were also hoping to find former Camwhores Selvios and Verotika. Sorry! Those wanting Juicy Little Fat Grl, did find a link to her though! :)

Pages: My rss feed and webcam pages are the most popular, as expected. A lot of people look into contacting me, but don’t. Understandable given that I rarely use instant messengers or chat and I can be slow to respond to emails when I don’t know what to say.

***

I guess I am a nerd, because I find this data absolutely fascinating. It excites me. It makes me speculate. It makes me want to create. It makes me want to be more active and update more often. I probably should not be looking at it, heh!

Edited: July 25th, 2009

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