Does Not Compute
I am stunned right now. I finally have a name to put to something that has been ‘wrong’ with me since elementary school, something that always made me feel bad/weird, etc. Better still, I found someone else with the same problem!
I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start at the logical place- the beginning. I have an excellent grasp of grammar and terrific reading comprehension. I write and speak well and I absolutely devour books, many of which would be considered “boring” or scholarly tomes, with ease. However, I’ve always had trouble with the most basic math. To this day, at age 31, I still can’t compute numbers in my head, make change, or measure properly. I have to make a guess and my guesses are usually way off. When I’m faced with a set of numbers and have to manipulate them in some way, I don’t know what to do with them. My brain just stalls. I draw a complete blank. I freeze. This makes me nervous, embarrassed, anxious, afraid, stressed, etc etc, which of course, only makes the ordeal worse and exacerbates future instances.
Teachers recommended my parents get a tutor. The tutors found different ways to explain things to me. I could do arithmetic along with them, but could not do it on my own and correctly duplicate their work, nor could I repeat the things we worked on A LOT once I returned to class. The tutors suggested my parents take me to a psychologist to determine what was causing my “fear of math,” which they suspected stemmed from my parents worrying about money and thus me worrying about the cause and effect of money, which translated to numbers. The doctor told them I had a “number block” and that tedious memory exercises might help. They also arranged with the school for me to take my math tests by myself in the quiet library. It didn’t make a significant difference. I still failed tests, just by a little less. The teachers gave me a shitload of extra credit worksheets to do with my tutor just so I could pass their classes with a D-. (I was especially lucky one year when my math teacher was my older brother’s best friend from when they were my age. He allowed me to do written “essays” about Arithmetic related topics to help my grade.) I never knew why it was so hard for me- especially when I was so advanced in things like English/Literature/Humanities.
Now, I believe I have Dyscalculia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia
Potential symptoms (my comments are in italicized parenthesis):
- Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, −, ÷ and ×. (Sort of. I don’t know which sign to “perform” on a set of numbers in order to get the result I need.)
- Difficulty with everyday tasks like checking change and reading analog clocks. (I can’t make change without at least counting on my fingers or making an illustration and I usually even need a calculator. I round times up or down depending on how close the hand is to either number.)
- Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook. (I get thrown off by tax. I round up and add an additional dollar to that, hoping I’ll get close enough not to be under the total due.)
- Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition tables, division tables, mental arithmetic, etc. (I know them when I SEE them written down, but I can’t THINK them in my head.)
- May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained. (I rule at logic and abstract concepts, yet I was literally 2 points away from failing General Math. I’ve never really done algebra; I just couldn’t grasp why the letters and unknown quantities had to exist at all and I never could figure out how to put something in there place to make the equation “work” right. I barely passed each math course I’ve taken and had an A or A- in every other subject. Math was the only thing that prevented me from a 4.0 gpa in high school. In college, I couldn’t even pass the remedials that would have allowed me to take the basics, which caused me to only be able to obtain an Associates instead of a Bachelors because I could not pass the basic required math courses needed for a four year education degree.)
- Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late. (Kind of. I had always attributed it to just being “distracted.” I set my clocks 13 minutes fast because if I look at them, my mind will round that to 10 and I end up hurrying, thinking I only have ten minutes, which makes me right on time!)
- Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right. (No, not really, but I can’t think of streets in terms of North or South, etal.)
- Difficulty navigating or mentally “turning” the map to face the current direction rather than the common North=Top usage. (Whoa, just noticed this is an issue for me! Never gave it much thought. I always have to physically put maps in the direction I’m going for them to make sense!
- Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet/3 or 6 meters away. (True. I couldn’t even begin to accurately guess. I cannot “visualize” 10 feet.)
- Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences. (No matter how many times they are explained or shown to me, they don’t seem logical and I can’t retain the information.)
- An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65. (If I quietly repeat them to myself several times first, I might get it right!)
- Difficulty keeping score during games. (I assumed this was just a memory problem or that I was distracted.)
- Difficulty with games such as poker with more flexible rules for scoring. (I’ve been playing Euchre and Texas Hold Em for over 20 years, but I still have to remind myself what cards are worth which values and which cards are a what.)
- Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps) to the abstract (reading, writing and signaling things in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables. (OMG! I was awful at the dancing portion in show choir, not just because I was uncoordinated, but even more so because I couldn’t remember when to do what move no matter how much repetition was drilled into my head!)
- The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences. (Totally! I already know what’s going to happen – that I’m not going to be able to do the math and that makes me feel even more [insert emotion here].)
- Low latent inhibition, i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, light and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this, possibly as cognitive compensation to mathematical-numeric deficits. (Hell yes! I can’t read with music on or study with the tv going. I need quiet and bright lights. I focus on the most appealing work first- whatever is creative or “literary” and put off the rest until the last moment.)
Wow. Most of these describe me! I should take an official test to confirm it! I’m not stupid or inept afterall! To know exactly what’s wrong with me and that I’m not the only one is such a huge relief. I wish someone had known back then. Maybe I could have been helped and saved a lot of negativity.
Edited: August 21st, 2009