Lately, things haven’t been the same.
Thursday, May 27th, 2010I haven’t been camming as much because, honestly, I look as bad as I feel and I don’t have the energy or focus to do anything about that yet. Even blogging and tweeting, which are usually fun and therapeutic for me, just seem too exhausting and make me feel like a pathetic whiner with nothing else to say. Instead I spend my time trying to keep my mind off stuff by playing poker, reading, tweaking my website, going for walks, doing yoga/pilates, watching tv and cleaning. I actually almost dread weekends and almost kind of look forward to going to work because it leaves me with less time sitting in my apartment by myself thinking. (My Catch 22 is that I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be alone… if that makes any sense?!)
Anyway, more about what I’ve been doing…
PokerStarsDotNet! My family used to have card nights a lot. We’d have a meal together, fix some drinks, turn on some music and play Euchre for hours. I first picked it up when I was about 7 and I’m damn good. I didn’t start playing Hold Em until college though, when I discovered very few people knew how to play Euchre or had any interest in learning. It seems to be a Midwestern thing…? When it comes to Poker, I’m an aggressive, loose player, but I prefer video poker at the casinos rather than the tables. (Leave it to me to choose the one that is less social, right?) My sister digs Keno, but that’s too ‘chance’ and not enough ‘skill’ for me. if I wanted to rely solely on luck, I’d bet it all on black at the Roulette wheel.
I’ve always been a voracious reader, but I’ve noticed lately I can’t concentrate on a book for as long as I used to be able to. I get up and start wandering around the room and looking out the window. There’s a whole world out there that I’m not a part of, a whole world out there that doesn’t _want_ me to be a part of it. I thought maybe it was the slow going “Girl Who Played Go” that I was reading, but I’m still having the same problems with the James Patterson novel, so… :(
I finally upgraded my version of Wordpress and started working on a new layout for my website. That has been really good for me (especially last/this week) because I can get totally absorbed in coding. The hours fly by and before I know it, it is time for bed and I’m so tired I can’t lie awake thinking. When I don’t have to get up for work, I can and do code an entire full site design in a night. In fact, I’ll probably finish this one over the weekend and go live with it on the 1st.
You’d probably never guess, but I’ve lost 18 pounds since April. I was 197 lbs, now I am 179 lbs. I had to get some summery capri pants for work and I went from a size 18 or 20 to a 14 or 16 (depending on the material/maker). I don’t think I look like it, but I definitely feel like it. I’ve noticed I get less winded going up and down the stairs, my back doesn’t get shooting pains from standing up for long periods of time and my legs don’t burn as quickly from walking. I have been doing yoga and pilates, but more as an attempt to treat my depression with natural chemicals than to lose weight. Most of the weight loss stems from all the walking I’ve been doing since I moved- nearly every morning to the bus stop near my apartment, then from the stop to my office and I also walk to do errands and sundries in the evening and on weekends. Because I am on a very tight budget, I’ve also started eating fewer processed foods- more fruit and veggies, less sugar and less meat. I don’t have a goal weight or anything like that. I’m really not even trying; it’s just happening. I’m sure I’ll plateau eventually and I’m ok with that. I actually have a neurotic phobia of my own sweat, so I’m not too interested in going to the gym to workout; I would like to go swimming though and could possibly be persuaded to join only for that. I don’t see myself being able to tolerate screaming children enough to go to the public pool at the park, heh.
It’s so quiet and so lonely at my place that I’ve been turning on the tv for noise and making myself watch, which is something I would scarcely do in the past. There aren’t a lot of shows I can’t/won’t miss, but lately I am really liking 48 Hours Mystery, America’s Most Wanted, Cops, What Would You Do, Antiques Roadshow, Smart Travels With Rudy Maxa, Rick Steve’s Europe, Law & Order SVU, The Middle, Modern Family, Cougar Town, Extreme Home Make Over, Lidia’s Family Table/Lidia’s Italy, Secrets Of The Dead, Wife Swap, SNL and The Bachelorette. I don’t have cable, but I don’t mind because I heart PBS! I don’t have a lot of dvds either, but so far I haven’t been able to sit through an entire movie by myself, so that’s not an issue, eh?
There’s something else I’ve been doing that was rare for me until recently- cleaning. My apartment is tidier than it ever has been because of my need to DO something, anything, so that I won’t dwell on stuff. Chores like doing the dishes, making the bed, cooking dinner and organizing the bathroom have become a pattern. Now that I am in the habit of it, I realize I needed that change in my life. It was time for me to stop acting like a Princess or a Rockstar and live a normal adult life. That doesn’t mean boring, but it’s time for me to admit I’m getting older and let go of some unrealistic attitudes and conventions I somehow developed.
I wish I hadn’t had to take this road to get to the realization that I have made some bad mistakes/wrong decisions. Now I have to find a way to live with them. (Or not.) I wonder if by promising myself “no regrets,” I inadvertently doomed myself to nothing but regret.
