TousledElegance.net » Funnies http://www.tousledelegance.net Sat, 28 Jan 2012 23:29:57 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 Hardy Har http://www.tousledelegance.net/2010/01/19/hardy-har/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2010/01/19/hardy-har/#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:58:03 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2010/01/19/hardy-har/ TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK – A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physiques will follow.

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2010/01/19/hardy-har/feed/ 0 The New Girl http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/06/21/the-new-girl/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/06/21/the-new-girl/#comments Sun, 21 Jun 2009 19:42:24 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/06/21/the-new-girl/ I took an Old 97’s tune called The New Kid (swapped the genders, changed kid to girl, tweaked a couple of other words) and parodied it into a song about the camgirl world, ha!

Verse 1:
The new girl, she’s got money
The money I deserve
She’s got the goods but she’s not good for her word
I should be rolling in it
I’ve been a working stiff
As for the justice no one knows where it went

Chorus:
I’m gonna cam away
Until my dyin’ day
I will be remembered for the hot things I did
Believe me every year
There is another one here
Don’t you see I used to be the new girl
I am sorry to say
You’ll get carried away
Oh
You will be replaced
You will be replaced
I tell you again
Don’t get too settled in
Oh
You will be replaced
You will be replaced
by the new girl

Verse 2:
The new girl, she’s got my fans
The fans I used to have
She’s got the looks you know, but not from her dad
They should be kissing my ass
They should be so in love
There is no justice
There’s just dark stars above

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/06/21/the-new-girl/feed/ 0 I Am ‘That Guy’ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/03/04/i-am-that-guy/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/03/04/i-am-that-guy/#comments Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:26:30 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/03/04/i-am-that-guy/ I dance like That Guy. You know who That Guy is – the one everybody scoots away from on the floor, the one they keep glancing at and snickering about. Oh, alright, maybe I am not that bad, but I usually opt out of dancing because I know it is not a skill or talent I possess. Well, usually… although, at the gay bars, I can vamp it up like I’m on Club MTV [I'm dating myself with that reference] and no one thinks anything of it because they are all doing the same thing… and besides, I’m a girl [*ew*] and no one pays attention to me in those places.

It’s odd though, because you’d assume that since I can play several instruments, sing and read music that I would have enough of a sense of rhythm to get my groove on without looking like the stereotypical Honky/Cracker. Alas, no! My mental abilities and my physical abilities are completely, embarrassingly, caucasianly [is that a word?!] out of synch. I mean, c’mon, I nearly failed Gym class in school, so that should give you some indication of my lack of coordination!

But, I’ll let you in on a little secret… Sometimes, when no one is home, I put on an ‘old skool’ record from the New Jack Swing era and pretend I am some skeezer in a rap video. [Yo, yo!] You won’t see that on the Voyeur Cams though. I’ll spare you “That Guy!”

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/03/04/i-am-that-guy/feed/ 0 Bottle Of Wine http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/02/24/bottle-of-wine/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/02/24/bottle-of-wine/#comments Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:12:30 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/02/24/bottle-of-wine/ For all of us who are married , were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

‘Good trade…..’

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/02/24/bottle-of-wine/feed/ 0 Vagina Power & Penis Power http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/01/13/vagina-power-penis-power/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/01/13/vagina-power-penis-power/#comments Wed, 14 Jan 2009 02:56:39 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/01/13/vagina-power-penis-power/ :D I don’t know whether to laugh or shout, “you go, girl!” I know I am officially a fan though, for one of those reasons. I’m soooo glad Belinda linked this. I’d never have been lucky enough to stumble upon it otherwise. [NSFW due to the subject matter of the audio, but worth every minute of turning your speakers up at home.]

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2009/01/13/vagina-power-penis-power/feed/ 0 Cam Session Gone Wrong http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/12/27/cam-session-gone-wrong/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/12/27/cam-session-gone-wrong/#comments Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:50:03 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/12/27/cam-session-gone-wrong/

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/12/27/cam-session-gone-wrong/feed/ 0 Serving God http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/16/serving-god/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/16/serving-god/#comments Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:21:08 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/16/serving-god/ Senator Ernie Chambers, a political independent who has served in the state legislature for 38 years, sued God, seeking a permanent injunction to prevent God from committing acts of violence, such as earthquakes and tornadoes. Douglas County District Court Judge Marion Polk recently dismissed the lawsuit, saying there was no evidence that the defendant had been served. “You can’t sue God if you can’t serve the papers on Him,” he ruled. What seems to be a frivolous lawsuit is the point Chambers was trying to make in response to attempts by other senators in the legislature who were trying to limit “frivolous lawsuits.” Chambers argued, “A lawsuit is not frivolous until a court declares it so. Nobody should stand at the courthouse door to predetermine who has access to the courts,” he said. “My point is that anyone can sue anyone else, even God.” Do you agree that a lawsuit isn’t frivolous until a court declares it so?

I’m on the fence here, though I couldn’t help but think, “So… would he have received a Default Judgement?” :P

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/16/serving-god/feed/ 0 Free Fun-n-Games with Hot Chicks! http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/10/free-fun-n-games-with-hot-chicks/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/10/free-fun-n-games-with-hot-chicks/#comments Fri, 10 Oct 2008 16:39:16 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/10/free-fun-n-games-with-hot-chicks/ I am a panelist on Match Game XXX this Saturday October 11th at 7pm Eastern (and it is my birthday, woohoo). I’ll be dressed as villain Boris Badenov from Rocky & Bullwinkle. (I look sexy in a moustache!) So, if you don’t mind some tits, asses and cocks on your screen, come watch and even play along!!! You can win a VIP Membership to Rude.com and see a whole bunch of hot stuff for free.The show is free to watch, but you’ll need to create an account, which is also free to do! I get commission for referring you, so please sign-up @ http://www.rude.com/TousledElegance?joinThe direct link to view the show is http://rude.com/ls/D6R4hzU93z4, or you can find it under Live Shows > Sponsored Group Shows. The loverly TrinitySaij hosts.

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/10/free-fun-n-games-with-hot-chicks/feed/ 0 You’ve Got Male…. http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/02/youve-got-male/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/02/youve-got-male/#comments Thu, 02 Oct 2008 22:43:58 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/02/youve-got-male/ Reading an article [http://www.wishtv.com/global/story.asp?s=9115439] about a local teen who emailed a pic of a random wang to the entire school. This quote made me lol:

“What if you sent it to someone’s house and their parents aren’t home and a child opens it? I mean that’s just ridiculous. I don’t believe it’s the school’s fault. I mean, the internet just worries me,” said Laura Morefield, a parent.”

It never ceases to amaze me how clueless parents can be and how innocent they think their kids are.
I mean, you should definitely look at porn with your Mom & Dad, never by yourself! (You can’t handle the thoughts your mind will have and the things your body will do!) In fact, I’m going to invite my parents over to supervise a cam show now. And, yeah, you’re right, the internet is very worrisome, so don’t bother to learn about it; let’s just not use it at all.

]]> http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/10/02/youve-got-male/feed/ 1 Young Whipper Snappers! http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/07/28/young-whipper-snappers/ http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/07/28/young-whipper-snappers/#comments Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:29:14 +0000 Anastacia http://www.tousledelegance.net/2008/07/28/young-whipper-snappers/ I’m not sure whether to think of this crime as a fairly brilliant plan or a rather dumb idea: http://www.theindychannel.com/news/17005039/detail.html.

Basically, they stole a car, drove to a nearby gun store, ran it into the building several times in order to knock guns etc off the walls, crawled in through the hole they made, scooped up the merchandise, drove to a tire store nearby and ditched the stolen car for a friends truck.

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