His 35 Day Battle Is Over :(
Monday, December 19th, 2011My dad passed away on Saturday afternoon.
My grief and grieving process seems to be a bit manic depressive. So, if I am acting surprisingly fine considering or really fucking weird instead…. This is why.
For the most part, I don’t want to talk about this at all. Then sometimes I can’t stop. I’m laughing one moment, sobbing the next. I actually thought I would still go into work. (Pfft. Dumb.) Namely, because right now, the best thing is for me not to think about what happened; keeping busy and being around people helps me stay distracted. I figured sitting alone in my apartment with too much time to think would be very bad for me. (And it is…) However, I only slept a couple of hours last night, then when I missed the bus this morning (it’s usually exactly 9 minutes late and I was early- only a few feet away from the stop when it coasted by right on time, but I just didn’t have the strength to jog after it), I took that as a sign to stay home. I told our office manager, then I got 4 more hours of sleep. Now, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Tonight, I am keeping my hair appointment to get out of here for a while and maybe try to look better than I feel in hopes it will cheer me up somehow. I also need to get groceries for the week of meals here, to pick up my anti-baby pills and to grab a few last minutes presents before Friday. The challenge: I hope I can hold it together enough to do these things without becoming a spectacle.
He is being cremated. I will be receiving some ashes and need to find something to place them in soon. We don’t have enough money for an obituary (the newspaper wanted $180 for only his name and city, wtf), funeral or memorial (he let his life insurance lapse before going into the hospital). So much for “closure;” I *need* the formality of that in order to deal with this!!!!!!
I don’t go back to work until next Wednesday 12/28. I had already scheduled my remaining 4 vacation days to use 2 right before and 2 right after Xmas to extend my holiday, now I’ve added 2 bereavement days to that. Not much of a holiday or vacation, given the circumstances.
I feel like my life is forever changed… and not in a good way…





























