My grief and grieving process seems to be a bit manic depressive. So, if I am acting surprisingly fine considering or really fucking weird instead…. This is why.
For the most part, I don’t want to talk about this at all. Then sometimes I can’t stop. I’m laughing one moment, sobbing the next. I actually thought I would still go into work. (Pfft. Dumb.) Namely, because right now, the best thing is for me not to think about what happened; keeping busy and being around people helps me stay distracted. I figured sitting alone in my apartment with too much time to think would be very bad for me. (And it is…) However, I only slept a couple of hours last night, then when I missed the bus this morning (it’s usually exactly 9 minutes late and I was early- only a few feet away from the stop when it coasted by right on time, but I just didn’t have the strength to jog after it), I took that as a sign to stay home. I told our office manager, then I got 4 more hours of sleep. Now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Tonight, I am keeping my hair appointment to get out of here for a while and maybe try to look better than I feel in hopes it will cheer me up somehow. I also need to get groceries for the week of meals here, to pick up my anti-baby pills and to grab a few last minutes presents before Friday. The challenge: I hope I can hold it together enough to do these things without becoming a spectacle.

He is being cremated. I will be receiving some ashes and need to find something to place them in soon. We don’t have enough money for an obituary (the newspaper wanted $180 for only his name and city, wtf), funeral or memorial (he let his life insurance lapse before going into the hospital). So much for “closure;” I *need* the formality of that in order to deal with this!!!!!!
I don’t go back to work until next Wednesday 12/28. I had already scheduled my remaining 4 vacation days to use 2 right before and 2 right after Xmas to extend my holiday, now I’ve added 2 bereavement days to that. Not much of a holiday or vacation, given the circumstances.

I feel like my life is forever changed… and not in a good way…

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I spent all of last week going back and forth between my parent’s apartment, the hospital and my office. One of my coworkers lives near my parents and was kind enough to shuttle me around. It’s about an hour each way because of traffic to get from parents/hospital to work and vice versa.

Dad is basically the same. He’s on a ventilator and 35% oxygen, which is down from 55% when they first admitted him, so that’s a bit better… however, his blood gases are often 90 or below- not so great. (I believe it is 80 and below that get extremely dangerous.) Blood pressure and pulse fluctuate between high and low, but no fevers. He has been given liquid nutrients: calcium and fiber, basically, tube fed food because he’s very malnourished; he weights 125lbs. They put him on propofol, fentanyl and an antibiotic (I forgot the name) initially. Midweek they decided to lower the propofol and start some ativan to slowly wean him off the drugs and wake him a little bit.

They’ve decided he definitely has COPD. One doc said they got the pneumonia about cleared up; another doc said he didn’t have pneumonia and that was just the way complications from the emphysema/chronic bronchitis manifested. Nice to see we’re all on the same page here! *snort* Either way, the shit that comes out when they suction his lungs is horrifying- thick as jelly and very brown from tobacco. They were having to do this pretty often when I was there last time because he was coughing it up and then choking on it as he swallowed it again. (Ew!)

They did the biopsy Friday. The doctor didn’t have time between surgeries to discuss his thoughts beyond saying it looked like it was between stage 2 and stage 3 cancer. If he gets stronger, he might be able to do chemo or radiation, but it probably can’t be cut out. Knowing Dad, he will refuse treatment.

By the end of the week he was opening his eyes sometimes, able to cough on command and squeeze hands. He’s able to use those methods to respond to questions, since he can’t talk right now. They did a tracheotomy, which is a hole/tube in the windpipe to keep the airway clearer. He’s restrained because he is really agitated. He shakes his head “no” violently, tries to wave people to back away and he even made a [feeble - since he's way too weak] attempt to kick a nurse. In fact, he’s so combative they gave him haldol, which is an anti-psychotic that is also sometimes used as an alternate drug to calm difficult patients when other meds aren’t doing the trick or can’t be used due to other illnesses or risks (i.e. heart trouble or, surprise, breathing problems). I suspect they probably think he has some delirium or delusions, but unless it’s due to hypoxia (tissue damage from oxygen deprivation) he experienced while THERE or related to withdrawal from all the drugs they had him on, I really doubt it. I am positive he doesn’t have dementia; there were zero signs of that before he was sedated and it isn’t something that happens overnight!

The nurses are getting really worried that he won’t be cooperative enough to be able to come off sedation. I don’t know what happens then. I do know that the social worker has already started bugging my mom to get him out of the hospital even though he is still critical and not stable yet and put him somewhere else [like a nursing home[ [because he's medicare/medicaid and they won't get paid as much as they would with an insured person taking the bed - awful, sad, true]. The lady hasn’t come right out and said it… yet… but that’s the sense we’re getting. Fuck them. By law we have 120 days to stay, if needed. It’s necessary, assholes.

I picked up some nasty germs from the hospital myself. I had an incredibly painful sore throat. When it eased up I couldn’t breathe through my nose at all. Now, I keep coughing. I wanted to go see Dad tonight, but I don’t want to give him any of my sickness or make whatever I have going on any worse. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. :(

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I told her to call me as soon as she found out anything. By 10am, I hadn’t heard from her yet, so I called the hospital and asked for Patient Information. Of course, all they would tell me was that yes, he was there. I told them my mother was in the waiting room and asked if they could page her and ask her call me, since she does not have a cell phone. They agreed. Over an hour later, she still hadn’t called, so I called Patient Information back and they transferred me to Admitting, who would only tell me what room number Dad is in. I wondered what type of floor that was, but they wouldn’t even tell me that. (Turns out, it is the Critical Care unit.)

My mom took a cab back home around noon and called to fill me in: Dad has pneumonia in his lower right lung, blood poisoning (which they think is from the lung infection) and they found a big tumor on his voicebox. The attending physician said it doesn’t look good from him [because of his age, his smoking, his poor nutrition and the size of the mass], but told my mom it was ok to go on home since he was going to be sedated for several hours. The ear/nose/throat specialist wants to do a biopsy to see if the growth is indeed cancer, but they have to get the infection under control first. They say the mass is spongy and almost like a fungus. Honestly, since my dad started getting hoarse over a year ago and recently could only whisper, I have no doubt it is malignant, so it will be a pleasant surprise if they find out it is not.

I had to call my sister in Vegas and give her the news. She started crying before I even got past dad went to the ER because he was having trouble breathing. Much like I had, she has been on him about going to see a doctor too. (I found out he he lied to her though and said he got checked out and everything was fine. She didn’t really believe him, but that’s what he said, so…) Sis asked if she should come out and I told her that would probably be a goo idea. She was going to call for a flight as soon as we got off the phone. She is flying out either tomorrow or Tuesday, depending on what’s available.

I’m not ready to lose Dad yet. But, would I ever be, really?

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So, I think I have found a calling. But… how does one get into film restoration? (Any aspect!) Is it even something I could realistically do? I don’t know. I’m going to start digging around a bit for some answers to my burning questions. You know who I should pester first? Jay. Jay Holben.

Yep.

…

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So, the adorable Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite… Although, as a camgirl, I love small toys because they enable my viewers to see what’s going on “down there” a lot better than the average toy, I approached this vibe with skepticism. Truthfully, I’ve become bit wary of mini vibrators , after purchasing quite a few duds. While the prospect of discrete portability seems like a great reason to buy, they are often lacking enough power for an orgasm. Not so with the Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite! While the single required AA battery might lead you to think this toy doesn’t have much juice, that’s not the case. The power of the vibration is actually very good.

Another concern I have when purchasing toys is scent. That may sound unusual since they aren’t going anywhere near my nose, there’s nothing more off-putting than a chemical-ly or plastic-y smell of a product. It certainly doesn’t make you feel comfortable with letting it get anywhere near your naughty bits. Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite scores points in this area too! It came as close to being unscented as possible.

This particular vibe isn’t completely without fault though. There were no assembly instructions, but I didn’t think I’d need them. It seemed pretty self-explanatory. However, I had some problems putting it together and getting it to turn on. I overlooked the small text printed on the toy itself that has an arrow indicating where to snap it together and which direction to turn it on/off. Those marking are also important in aligning the internal contacts properly. A brief blurb on the package or small slip regarding assembly would be helpful, but it’s not a deal-break by any means.

There are also some issues with the attachments. They slip over the top, but there’s no threading/treading to hold them on. I couldn’t get any of them to stay in place for me to enjoy them. Luckily, the three nubs that are already on the vibrator provide terrific sensations on their own. They encompass the clitoris just right- well enough that I didn’t particularly need or want any of the attachments at all.

To summarize, the pros and cons of the Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite from TheirToys.com are as follows…

Pros:
+ company packaged discretely, shipped promptly
+ no scent
+ one AA battery needed
+ cute; pretty color
+ powerful
+ portability
+ nubs rubs just right
+ price

Cons:
- attachments did not enhance product
- attachments loose
- hard to put together (text on unit not noticeable, package lacked instrux)

The bottom line: This is a cute, portable and reasonably priced vibe with good power.
Rating: B-

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http://kraftcelebrationtour.tsn.ca/top20/1697#matchup

(Contest closes @ Noon EST on Friday, July 23rd, 2010.)

Thanks!

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Considering that background, I guess it’s kind of odd that I don’t really care for Spoken Word recordings. Aside from Jim Morrison and Henry Rollins, there wasn’t much I could get into *listening* to; I tend to prefer reading the written word. I say “wasn’t” because in college, I discovered a compilation with some tracks that blew me away. They still do today. It’s called Home Alive: The Art Of Self Defense. The proceeds went to an anti-violence organization that provided self defense classes. (It recently discontinued operation, sadly.)

Anyway, I’m so obsessed with these two particular pieces that I just HAD to share them here. You can listen to them at the links below. Beware though… they aren’t exactly uplifting, to put it mildly.

Theory Of Mutation by Wendy O-Matik & Untitled by Kristen Kosmas

I can read like that, but I sure as hell can’t write like that. Wow. Just wow.

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kevin writes: When Camwhores started, it was completely free. Anyone could watch, anyone could chat, there was no such thing as a membership.

As Camwhores grew, we listened to what you guys wanted. We removed all the crazy popup ads that we were once known for. The *nine* banner ads that used to be on the front page are gone, replaced with just one that’s only visible if you’re not a member. This, along with adding features that cost us actual money (paying the lovely cammers here for shows and the like) meant that we had to start charging for memberships. To the subscribers we have now, we are extremely thankful. We wouldn’t be here without you guys.

Over the years, we focused so much on obtaining more members and trying to make our current members happy that we lost a bit of focus on what a non-member to Camwhores saw. Prior to today, non-members could only view the site for a few minutes without ads being thrown in their faces. Every 20-30 clicks on the site would result in more ads. Frankly, this sucked. Going forward, we’re committing to make the site as un-annoying as possible to everyone, including those who haven’t chosen to subscribe.

But, our biggest change is what we’re doing with members who let their accounts expire. Effective immediately, if your account expires, you can still hang out on the site.

Expired accounts will now be able to:
* Log in to the site normally
* Chat on the tagboard
* View the cam archives
* Participate in the forum
* Create a profile
* Post on your blog, or comments on other’s blogs.

An expired account cannot:

* Watch streaming video (due to the bandwidth expenses)
* See members only cams (to comply with the agreement we have with our cammers)
* Vote on pictures/cams

Expired accounts that stay on the front page for more than 4 hours without moving or saying anything will be redirected to a non-updating page, to help preserve our bandwidth when people walk away from their computers. You can re-join the main page with one click.

While some of the details will need to be tweaked going forward, this currently applies both to paid customers and free trial accounts after they expire. When either account expires, you’ll be able to stay on the site as an “expired user” for at least 90 days with the above restrictions.

No changes are being made to what paid customers get, you get EVERYTHING you had before with no exceptions.

We’re hoping this makes the site friendlier for everyone, and less money driven. We’re here for fun, not trying to suck subscription funds out everyone who wants to watch. Just because someone can’t afford a subscription today doesn’t mean we don’t want them here.

 Now, I have 4 free trial invites. If you want one and you promise not to be a jerk while on the site, email tousledelegance AT gmail.com. I would especially like to see some of the old members come back!

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Today the entire office, minus the one person it impacted most, got a glimpse of the type of crap I see every day. A walk-in started discussing using our services with one of the agents. During that conversation, they told him they had already been working with another agent in our firm. At that point, he should have then referred them back to her. Not only is that the thing to do, it is also our company policy to turn them back over to the person that they had contact with first. Instead, he ignored this protocol and began initiating the process with them himself right here in the lobby.

After these folks left and he started to head upstairs to do a comparative market analysis, one of the other agents asked if they said that they had spent a half hour talking to another agent about listing the property on Friday. She asked nicely, though she was totally aware that they had mentioned it because she was standing there during their exchange. She was hoping to politely give him the hint that what he was doing was improper. Immediately, he busts out with a flippant response and stomps up the steps, “I can’t babysit everything around here!!!!!” (This from the man that I had to pester every single day for a solid month just to get him to set up his voicemail?! Are you fucking kidding?!)

Miss Agent isn’t going to stand for that kind of treatment. She follows him and says there was no need for him to be rude to her when she was just trying to help. He gets all huffy and shouts that he doesn’t appreciate her insinuation that he was stealing someone’s client. (Hmmm. Why did he immediately get so defensive and loud if he truly believed he’d done nothing wrong?) Miss Agent points out that she just asked him a question and not only did he cop and attitude with her, but he also did not answer the question. He then yells at her,” NO, the answer is NO.” Double-you tee eff. That is absolutely not true. He knows it and so does everyone else in the office because we were all right there in the same room! Dirtbag.

Miss Agent replies, “Ok. Ok, that’s fine, but that’s no way to talk to me about it.” He slams the fucking door in her face and she comes running downstairs, so angry she is shaking. And so am I. I’m sick of this guy’s shit. This isn’t the first time he has lied… except usually, he tries to blame it on being new, feign ignorance and claim whatever it was had never been explained to him (though I know for a fact it indeed was, because, again, I was sitting right there when it happened). The bottom line is that this dude SUCKS (his attitude, his knowledge, his skills) and that is why he hasn’t made ANY money AT ALL yet. I think it is only a matter of time before he is gone and I hope it’s sooner than later. Dick.

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I may be an Atheist, but honestly, I would cringe every bit as much if I saw a bill from a company labeling themselves as “Atheist Owned And Operated.” (There’s a time and place for everything! Spirituality is a private thing!) I’m actually shocked that any mention of being a “faith based” company is legal; that seems to teeter on the brink of being discriminatory.

I find using God for marketing purposes to be distasteful, inappropriate, and, well, kind of slimy and creepy. The church is a wide social network and the opportunity for word of mouth through church functions seems like it would be sufficient enough to draw a significant amount of customers without plastering so much what is, essentially, overt propaganda elsewhere.

It seems like such an odd thing to do. It does nothing to promote the idea that their goods or services are somehow better in quality (because they are “blessed,” haha); it sort of gives off a condescending vibe to me. I mean, ones religion does not imply they are more professional or more experienced than those of another. It’s completely irrelevant in that respect! It is not an accurate indicator of ethical business practices. In fact, to some, it is off-putting, suggesting exactly the opposite and deters patronage. (And the erroneous assumptions/broad generalizations go both ways. Both “sides” are guilty of making them. You can thank the antics of figures such as Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osborne, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart alike for drawing attention to the negatives and/or extremes.)

I am so adamant about religion not belonging in the workplace that I was one of several employees who quit when the corporation was purchased by owners who added “John 3:16″ to the signs, began hosting morning prayer meetings at the office and instituted religious t-shirt Fridays. The vigils and clothing were not mandatory, but if you didn’t participate, you were told you were not being a team player. Luckily, the conflicting bus schedule got me out of attending, but when I wore a top with an Ankh on it, I was sent home and ordered to change out of my “Satanic attire,” that was the last straw. I secured another job, with their competitor, that very afternoon. It is a shame I felt compelled to do so, but to me, “freedom of religion” also means freedom from it. If I want a God, I know where to start looking; it should not be on my desk. :P

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