Today the entire office, minus the one person it impacted most, got a glimpse of the type of crap I see every day. A walk-in started discussing using our services with one of the agents. During that conversation, they told him they had already been working with another agent in our firm. At that point, he should have then referred them back to her. Not only is that the thing to do, it is also our company policy to turn them back over to the person that they had contact with first. Instead, he ignored this protocol and began initiating the process with them himself right here in the lobby.

After these folks left and he started to head upstairs to do a comparative market analysis, one of the other agents asked if they said that they had spent a half hour talking to another agent about listing the property on Friday. She asked nicely, though she was totally aware that they had mentioned it because she was standing there during their exchange. She was hoping to politely give him the hint that what he was doing was improper. Immediately, he busts out with a flippant response and stomps up the steps, “I can’t babysit everything around here!!!!!” (This from the man that I had to pester every single day for a solid month just to get him to set up his voicemail?! Are you fucking kidding?!)

Miss Agent isn’t going to stand for that kind of treatment. She follows him and says there was no need for him to be rude to her when she was just trying to help. He gets all huffy and shouts that he doesn’t appreciate her insinuation that he was stealing someone’s client. (Hmmm. Why did he immediately get so defensive and loud if he truly believed he’d done nothing wrong?) Miss Agent points out that she just asked him a question and not only did he cop and attitude with her, but he also did not answer the question. He then yells at her,” NO, the answer is NO.” Double-you tee eff. That is absolutely not true. He knows it and so does everyone else in the office because we were all right there in the same room! Dirtbag.

Miss Agent replies, “Ok. Ok, that’s fine, but that’s no way to talk to me about it.” He slams the fucking door in her face and she comes running downstairs, so angry she is shaking. And so am I. I’m sick of this guy’s shit. This isn’t the first time he has lied… except usually, he tries to blame it on being new, feign ignorance and claim whatever it was had never been explained to him (though I know for a fact it indeed was, because, again, I was sitting right there when it happened). The bottom line is that this dude SUCKS (his attitude, his knowledge, his skills) and that is why he hasn’t made ANY money AT ALL yet. I think it is only a matter of time before he is gone and I hope it’s sooner than later. Dick.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physiques will follow.

- Interact more!
I’m already making progress by tagging on CW even when I’m not camming and by making myself available on instant messengers for the first time in years, but I need to improve upon answering Facebook, MySpace and FetLife (etc.) messages, commenting on other blogs, participating in forums and being more timely with email responses. There are times when I feel I have so little of interest to say, that I choose instead to say nothing. I need to break that habit and just shoot the shit with other people [who probably feel the same way sometimes].

- Get back to doing the things *I* want to do!
Up until three years ago, I used to cam several times a week, listen to music every evening to unwind and go out for dinner, brunch or drinks with friends semi-regularly. (Trying to do any of those things right now just starts either an interrogation or an argument.) I need to make the most of every present moment, not agonize over the past or future. I still have a few good years of living left, right?

- Incorporate more ‘members only’ content into my site
(i.e. blog posts, vlogs, photos, videos) to create a community vibe, which puts me more at ease and makes me more likely to interact! Sharing my life can be much more fulfilling.

- Buy a brand new couch and a brand new mattress [eventually]
I’ve never had any furniture before that wasn’t used. It has all come from thrift stores; it looks and smells “old” (I hate the scent of someone else’s house) and is never really in my style.

- Spend more time outside too (weather permitting)
I’m obviously no Sun Goddess, but I do venture outdoors more than you’d think. Unfortunately, it is usually for short stretches like walking to and from a particular destination or dining al fresco. I need to chill outdoors for no reason other than to actually enjoy it. For example, if I’m going to read or listen to music, take my book/discman outside.

- Appreciate myself more & stop “settling!”
I know I am pretty awesome and that those try to force me to be more like them instead of accepting me as I am probably don’t deserve to be in my life. I need to remember that this is my life, not anyone else’s. I need to live it for me, not for someone else. I love myself - either you like me too or you don’t. Those that try to play both sides need to be cut loose.

I think that just about covers it! Basically, this year should be about focusing on my wants and needs, instead of always putting others first. Through that I become a better person to be around. Win-Win!

I was afraid I knew the answer. Why did I ask the question? I think it was because I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to tell me he was alive… and well.

When I met John he was recovering from cancer. We were introduced in a bar and over a few beers, I was told the story of how he almost died. He wasn’t in remission, but John didn’t look “terminally ill” (his skin wasn’t sallow and he still had all his hair) and I figured he must be doing well with his treatment if he was out drinking with friends.

(The wheels were already turning.)

I almost wonder if our friends anticipated how he’d tug at my heartstrings, how I’d want to give him some happiness in whatever way I could, to make up for some of the pain he’d felt and what he had to go through. Maybe that had something to do with why they made certain we became acquainted by leaving us to spend some time alone talking. You see, I have a soft spot for nice guys who deserve a little more female attention than they are used to getting. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am the Queen Of Pity Fucks, but I cannot deny it has happened before and it will likely happen again. But, I didn’t quite feel sorry for John. I felt more angry that he was cheated out of a portion of his life. I wanted to put things right. I knew what it was like to feel defective, different, defeated, yet still proud you’d made it this far.

As if intense empathy wasn’t enough to spark an attraction, John also made me laugh- out loud, a rapturous, carefree sound accompanied by a genuine wide, toothy grin. (Like so many women, I am a sucker for a witty sense of humour.) In friendly retaliation, I liked to make him blush with my flirtations and PDA. He loved getting the attention and I loved giving it, especially to someone so appreciative. He made me feel wanted emotionally, not just desirable sexually. It didn’t take long for us to progress to dating exclusively. We each gave the other something needed at the time.

People tell me that before John got cancer he was mean. A few said he could still be pretty spiteful sometimes. I never experienced that. Anything I wanted to do, anywhere I wanted to go, whatever I wanted, John was like a puppy dog. I say that with tenderness, dismay and guilt, because it was eagerness and devotion that drew me to him and that played a part in pushing me away. He adored me when I couldn’t adore myself.

John had a nerdy innocence about him and even though it had clearly endeared me, friends warned me to be careful with him… not necessarily just because he was sick, but because he had so little experience with women and I was known to be, well, a Maneater. And John had enough to deal with. “He didn’t need a broken heart on top of having cancer.“ Sometimes it is hard to hear the echo of that statement in my head. I feel it in my heart too.

I know that our break-up was probably inevitable. (I was in, what I consider to be, my formative years when we met… partying, drinking, fucking, having fun, trying new things. I outgrew the relationship, while he was a point in his life that everything stayed the same for him.) But, I don’t think getting involved with John was a mistake. I like to think that I still gave him a reason to smile, even if only for a while. He certainly made me appreciate the value of having a few close friends as opposed to a lot of acquaintances. John also taught me that “normal” is relative. What ‘happened’ to him is that he became more than I could ask for - an unforgettable part of my life.

John is buried in Crown Hill Cemetery. There is a pilgrimage I have to make.

Rest In Peace
January 11, 2003

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• Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, −, ÷ and ×.  (Sort of. I don’t know which sign to “perform” on a set of numbers in order to get the result I need.)
• Difficulty with everyday tasks like checking change and reading analog clocks. (I can’t make change without at least counting on my fingers or making an illustration and I usually even need a calculator. I round times up or down depending on how close the hand is to either number.)
• Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook. (I get thrown off by tax. I round up and add an additional dollar to that, hoping I’ll get close enough not to be under the total due.)
• Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition tables, division tables, mental arithmetic, etc. (I know them when I SEE them written down, but I can’t THINK them in my head.)
• May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained. (I rule at logic and abstract concepts, yet I was literally 2 points away from failing General Math. I’ve never really done algebra; I just couldn’t grasp why the letters and unknown quantities had to exist at all and I never could figure out how to put something in there place to make the equation “work” right. I barely passed each math course I’ve taken and had an A or A- in every other subject. Math was the only thing that prevented me from a 4.0 gpa in high school. In college, I couldn’t even pass the remedials that would have allowed me to take the basics, which caused me to only be able to obtain an Associates instead of a Bachelors because I could not pass the basic required math courses needed for a four year education degree.)
• Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late. (Kind of. I had always attributed it to just being “distracted.” I set my clocks 13 minutes fast because if I look at them, my mind will round that to 10 and I end up hurrying, thinking I only have ten minutes, which makes me right on time!)
• Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right. (No, not really, but I can’t think of streets in terms of North or South, etal.)
• Difficulty navigating or mentally “turning” the map to face the current direction rather than the common North=Top usage. (Whoa, just noticed this is an issue for me! Never gave it much thought. I always have to physically put maps in the direction I’m going for them to make sense!
• Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet/3 or 6 meters away. (True. I couldn’t even begin to accurately guess. I cannot “visualize” 10 feet.)
• Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences. (No matter how many times they are explained or shown to me, they don’t seem logical and I can’t retain the information.)
• An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65. (If I quietly repeat them to myself several times first, I might get it right!)
• Difficulty keeping score during games. (I assumed this was just a memory problem or that I was distracted.)
• Difficulty with games such as poker with more flexible rules for scoring. (I’ve been playing Euchre and Texas Hold Em for over 20 years, but I still have to remind myself what cards are worth which values and which cards are a what.)
• Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps) to the abstract (reading, writing and signaling things in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables. (OMG! I was awful at the dancing portion in show choir, not just because I was uncoordinated, but even more so because I couldn’t remember when to do what move no matter how much repetition was drilled into my head!)
• The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences. (Totally! I already know what’s going to happen - that I’m not going to be able to do the math and that makes me feel even more [insert emotion here].)
• Low latent inhibition, i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, light and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this, possibly as cognitive compensation to mathematical-numeric deficits. (Hell yes! I can’t read with music on or study with the tv going. I need quiet and bright lights. I focus on the most appealing work first- whatever is creative or “literary” and put off the rest until the last moment.)

Wow. Most of these describe me! I should take an official test to confirm it! I’m not stupid or inept afterall! To know exactly what’s wrong with me and that I’m not the only one is such a huge relief. I wish someone had known back then. Maybe I could have been helped and saved a lot of negativity.

 —–Original Message—–
From:   Student Aid
Sent:   Wednesday, August 12, 2009 4:19 PM
To:     Anastacia xxxxxxx
Subject:        Not read: Balance remaining on Direct Consolidated Subsidized loan

Your message was deleted without being read on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 3:18:57 PM (GMT-06:00) Central Time (US & Canada).

The big news: The site has been sold; Stile is no longer associated with it. The new owners (who also own MyFreeCams.com) have given the reins to our beloved Kevin. He truly feels that we can find a happy medium again for nude/non-nude cams and for those that want to make some money and those that just want to have a fun. I trust him implicitly and I really look forward to the changes that are to come. It feels better there already. (I love having the ability to vote for my friends again, for example.)
If you are a former cammer that left because you weren’t enjoying yourself anymore or because you had issues with the management, please seriously consider adding your cam again. (Prior members who left for some of the same reasons, please consider giving the site another chance! So many of us have such a good feeling about this!) Note: If you were a cammer on the site previously, you will be placed back on the main page straight away; you will not have to go through the “Wanna-be” voting process.

As a promotion, I have been given some invites for Camwhores.com.
They are for a no strings, 7 day free trial of the site. No credit card needed.

The only requirements are:
- You are over 18.
- You haven’t been a Camwhores member in over 90 days.
- You haven’t used your email address for a CW trial previously.
- You promise not to be an asshole on the site.

The trial gives you access to 686,568+ cam images and 1072+ hours of video of 200+ camgirls. You’ll also have the ability to chat and watch live shows. It’s not just “free porn” though; there is a definite ‘community’ feel to the website with nude and non-nude girls that don’t think of every member as a human ATM. I think you’ll like it enough to want to continue visiting. I’m so addicted, I’ve been there since 2002!
This offer is first come, first served. When they are gone, they are gone! If you’d like an invite, please email me (anastaciaATtousledelegance.net). Thanks!

I will, really and truly, be updating my links list on TousledElegance.net sometime this month. If you’d like your site, blog, store or something added, please let me know and I’ll take a look at it. If it isn’t filled with hate or avarice, it’ll probably get the green light.

I’m ok. A little bored, but not completely miserable. Yet.

Update Wednesday 8/5 7:30 PM - Yay, back on!!!!