This whole ability to ‘do [almost] anything I want in the evenings and on weekends’ is weird. I find myself wanting to do things I usually have to force myself to do, like cleaning, organizing, re-arranging. (I think I’ve actually run out of things to tidy at this point.) I am almost even to the point of wanting to go out and be around *cue eerie music* PEOPLE too. (I know, right?!?!?!) I even thought about cooking some more (wtf?!) and I would if it weren’t unbearably hot/humid or if I had any real appetite. Ok then… maybe a walk or a mini-picnic? But not by myself…! I wish I had a bike. *random* I wish there was a museum within walking distance.
I’m extremely restless. I don’t have any desire to self-soothe and worse, I can’t tell if I need to or not, nor do I know if anything would actually work for me. I’m burnt out on the things I would normally do- watching tv/roku , reading, taking a long bubblebath or napping. (It takes me forever to fall asleep and I can’t stay that way for more than 3 hours at a time anyway.) Listening to music upsets me, regardless of genre, tempo or lyrics. I tried to write a short story or poem, but I just sat there unable to put anything on paper. I have thoughts and ideas; it just hurts to think about them. Doing a photoset or video bores me. Even the possibility of losing myself in The Sims is annoying. I tried getting drunk, but kept thinking how dumb and pointless it was. I am afraid to paint. Totally irrational, yeah, but I want it to be GOOD and I don’t feel like anything I make is good. It’s just “nice” and I want GOOD. Waaah.
I’m just… kind of… sitting here… biding my time until it is time to go back to work. That is a place that makes me miserable, but at least it is something to do, something that ticks off the hours and keeps me from thinking or feeling too much.
If I had the money, I’d go get a tattoo (my first, unless you count eyebrows) or a piercing. That would be a real distraction.
I feel like any suggestion anyone could offer to amuse myself would make me feel more flat/blank or angry. Is angry better? I don’t know. I doubt it.
I want one thing and nothing else.